On being vulnerable to Christ

I realize Lord that in times of weakness, I shy away from you; waiting for the moment when I "look" better and "do" better. In your moment of vulnerability you invited me in. Help me dear Jesus to be more open with you. Rid me of my pride so that I share with you not just my sufferings and joys but also and most importantly my falls.

Jesus, Come into my heart.

I had an Epiphany

Yesterday during a short visit to the Blessed Sacrament, I started going through my notebook and realized how close I am to experiencing my own "dark night" Of course I know the reason for this, I am not rooted enough in prayer. A few months ago, I was finding myself in the adoration chapel about two times a day and was saying about 4 of the 7 offices. Now, I have found that I am flooded with projects and a never-ending to do list that I have allowed to slowly take priority over my relationship with my intended. This of course, is my own doing; I need to learn to put the following letters together N-O. Until I do that, I must suffer the consequences (being distant from my love)

I didn't mean for it to happen but somehow, I found myself barely saying morning and evening prayer and fighting to say the rosary daily. I know I can't possibly live like a religious while I am out in the world. However, I am determined to do as much as possible to prepare and condition myself for life as a religious. Not so much so that I can get used to "life on the inside" but rather so that I never lose sight of my love. I know one thing for sure, I love Christ dearly and want to continue loving Him, the only change I would like is to see that love continue to grow. I know the one way to make sure that happens is to continue to keep in contact with Him. I am not satisfied with just going to daily mass, I want to do more to nurture my spiritual life and to strengthen our relationship.

The point of this post, is to say this; the notes that I re-read yesterday reminded me of where my focus should be and what my goal is - to be one with Him - In an effort to keep myself rooted and focused on Him, I will try to post some of these past reflections on a daily basis. Some of them are quite short while others are rather long and have no aim (at least that is what I think of them) some are short personal prayers while others are some questions that have come up during my spiritual readings.

As you read them, give me some feedback and let me know if I you would like to see more of them.

In Christ my Love
HB

On remaining close to the Lord

In the past couple of months, I have found that the "fire" that burned deep inside of me for Christ has dimmed.  This brings me great sadness as I want nothing more than to feel His constant presence.  I do know however that much of this is due to the fact that I have not been keeping close to Him.  I didn't realize until now how much of a presence He was in my life.  However, due to my stumbles I have allowed myself to get further away from Him.  This is nothing but the sinfulness of pride getting in the way.  

In my moments of weakness, I should run to you Lord rather than turn away.  Lord, be with me in my times of failure.  I pray that I continue to focus on you rather than my falls.  I know Lord that what leads me to this spiritual desert is my continued distancing from you.  Please Lord keep me close to you; in all that I do, please help me to remain forever faithful to you and forever yours.  Amen

Marriage

On Saturday September 18th, I went home for a visit (well a celebration really)  My uncle was getting married.  He and his wife have been married civilly but decided to have their union blessed (Praise God)  During the Homily, I was soooo moved. the priest talked about the dedication and commitment it takes to make a marriage work and most importantly how it needs to be God-centered.  Somehow, I felt as if he were talking about me and my desired groom, Christ.  I felt a longing then that I had never felt and it was then that I truly realized that being a bride of Christ is real.


My sister always jokes with me in the worst Spanish accent ever that "you will never be a bride" and of course I reply yes I will, God willing and I will have the privilege of always wearing my bridal gown.  More and more I am realizing my heart wants nothing more than to belong to Christ, body mind and spirit.  I used to worry about the differences between a physical marriage and a spiritual marriage, between the physical motherhood and the spiritual one and I found myself asking "can I really do this?" I realize something, I can't, at least not by my own volition.  I do know though that with Him who strengthens me I can and if this is indeed the life that he is calling me to, I can do it.  I only pray that He continues to call me to Himself because the more I discover about the beauty of marriage, the more I want that marriage to be between myself and Christ.


Pax

Application Status

Ok so I just went in for the follow up to my Psychological Evaluation and the report that I expected to be completed next week was actually typed up and is faxed, Praise God!  So now, I just need to wait until mother reviews my application.  I am so thankful to all of you who have kept me in your prayers.  Know that you too shall continue to be in mine.

I am now preparing to complete the application for the Mater Ecclesiae fund for vocations, I am trying to trust in the Lord's providence.  I know His timing may not necessarily be the same as mine, I just hope I can accept it.

Pax,
HB