Decisions Decisions

Lent is here and though I thought I was ready for my favorite Liturgical season I am finding out that I am not quite there.

I have been racking my brain over the past weeks trying to figure out what I must do for Lent and what I needed to "give up"  There were so many decisions to make.   In other news, I found out the decision of the MEFV board and I was not awarded a grant.  I don't take this to mean that I will not be able to enter this year, I take it to mean that I will have to trust the Lord to work out another way for me to enter this year.

I am currently visiting the sisters, no I am visiting my sisters and of course I took the opportunity to be here to speak to Mother.  We spoke for a couple of hours and it was really wonderful to be able to talk to her.  In the middle of our conversation SrMJ who was copied on the email came in and gave the news that the MEFV board was not able to award me a grant.  I took this opportunity to continue speaking to mother about one of the things I wished to do (which was to move closer to the sisters should I be unable to enter this year) we left it up to discuss in May after the Laboure Society makes their decision on grants.

In the meantime we discussed possible ways I can fundraise and I've got homework.  I got very excited at the prospect of working with my local Serra club for assistance in fundraising.  I also got the chance to speak to one of the Local Catholic bookstores in Spokane and the owner was gracious enough to allow me to put my rosaries in her shop as a way of fundraising.  I of course spoke with Mother who was definitely in agreement, so if you know anyone in the Spokane area direct them to ABBA's bookstore and invite them to support me and the sisters in my vocation journey.

Working out ways to make my entrance a possibility this year made me realize what I needed to work on giving up.  It is not something tangible but it has been a big obstacle for me, it has even been the cause of me not being able to grow in some of the virtues I so desperately want to grow in.  The big monster I am speaking of is PRIDE, I have been telling myself that the reason I am not too forward about asking for donations is because I am worried about folks who are struggling.  The fact is (as I am often being told and I keep conveniently forgetting) many catholics want the opportunity to support vocations in the Church.  Due to my pride I have decided on my own not to even give them that opportunity because I either don't want to share my story or decide they won't receive me in a positive way.  I've realized that in either case I would be in good company.  Jesus Himself wasn't well received by his own townsmen! so who am I to be apprehensive about that?  The face to face meetings that I have had have proved to me that I've been wrong about my worries and I only need to be open and willing to share myself with others and give them an opportunity to help me in any way their station in life allows them to.  Perhaps all one person can do for me is pray but it is also possible that another can give $5 while another can give $20 or another $80.  

A perfect example is a parishioner who asked me to fix his rosary, of course I didn't intend to charge him anything but the cost of the materials.  Well He wrote me a check for $80!  Now had I been planning a meeting with him, I would have been reluctant to because my pride would have had me convincing myself that he has little ones and therefore should not be bothered by me asking for a donation.  In speaking to him he openly answered "I only wish I could do more" If only he realized what he had done.  He has opened my eyes to my issue of pride and reluctance to share my journey.

As a religious you do not belong to yourself; you belong to the Christ, His Church and His people.  I am perfectly willing to belong to Christ and His people and I know that will be my life as a religious.  In keeping with my desire to live my vocation now, I must therefore be willing and open to sharing my life with Christ's people today.

Please keep me in your prayers this Lenten season.  This task will be hard and I know only with the Lord's grace will I be able to do it.  I entrust it all to Him and I ask Him for a converted heart that I my replace my pride with true humility.

Pax,

Hopeful

Trust and Dependency on the Lord

Today's gospel reading reminded me of how important it is to be wholly dependent on the Lord.  I am reminded of how I must have the faith of  child; not childish but child-like.

I am at the cusp of something very decisive (I get to find out whether or not I am a MEFV grantee) I am in between the waiting and the living.  This has made me realize that the life I wish to live (a total self-gift to the Lord) does not have to be lived within the convent walls.  In fact time and time again I have seen and heard reminders that I must live out the Gospel daily and in turn must begin to live out my vocation now.  

No longer is it acceptable for me to use the "once I enter I will do better" excuse.  I must realize that I am called to do better as I am and where I am.  It is my growth as a Christian woman that will help me be a better religious (not the other way around)  It is my love for the Lord and my gratitude toward Him ow that will make me be a more grateful and truly dependent sister.

I don't know how many times I found myself falling and had to be reminded that it is not my falls that determine my worth in the eyes of the Lord.  God has called me not because of the infrequency of my falls but rather because of the times I have fallen (many times) and continue to rise to run to Him.  Time and time again however, I know I must be careful not to be complacent and therefore rely on the fact that there is nothing I can do to lose the Love of the Lord.  I must continue to strive for perfection and a life of holiness despite the fact that I am outside the convent walls.

God is calling me to this life now so ti tis now that I must begin to strive for holiness, strive for a perfect dependency on and trust in Him.  There will be no magic button to push and become perfectly reliant on the Lord at my entrance so I must therefore begin to live this life of "yes" and "I trust You Lord" today.

Jesus, Come into my heart

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place my trust in You.

Detachment

This morning in adoration I was reading today's mediation which happened to be on detachment.  I expected to read something profound about the need to give up material things for a closer relationship with the Lord.  In fact, I did read something to that effect.  However, what struck me was the realization that in my quest for closeness with Christ, I should not stop at my smart-phone, my boots, or computer.  I need to look at particular friendship and how they affect my relationship with Christ.  The ones that do not affect it for the better, I must give up.

I started thinking about my friends, some of them I love dearly but the reality is that they are not helping me live my life as a true child of God.  In fact, I find that I often have to repressed that side of me in order to put them at ease and to not seem "preachy" or "self-righteous".  How do I turn my back on a friendship that is 3, 4, 5 and in some cases over 8 years old?  How do I say to someone, I love you but I love Christ more?  How do you tell someone that the very reason you must part ways is the very thing about you they do not know let alone understand?

Today's meditation draws from today's gospel and I would have never made the connection to the need for detachment had it not been for the meditation.  The villagers chased Jesus out of their parts because to them the life of the man saved was not worth the life of the herd of swine lost.  Unfortunately they could not see beyond their material needs and wants.  Up until today, I can honestly say that I was just like them, I was unable to see beyond the need to have my friends in my life, beyond the need to keep my social circle as it is and I never made the connection that some friendships were in the way of my relationship with Christ and my development as a Christian woman.  I have been thinking of some friendships that I might need to distance myself from but was never fully willing to give them up, I could not see..... correction, I was not willing to admit the truth about what effect they have on my relationship with Christ.

I don't know how but I know that I must say some goodbyes.  I will continue my prayers for strength and hope that the Holy Spirit remains with me when I come face to face with those hard decisions.

As always I beg your prayers.

Pax,
Hopeful

New year, same goal

Happy New Year everyone!

I cannot believe it's 2012 already.  It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in 2011 and making resolutions for the new year.  I've thought about the resolutions that I could make for 2012 and what I think needs to be changed in order for me to become the woman God wants me to be.

Over the past years I have fallen short of my resolutions before the week was even out.  This led to discouragement and eventually giving up on my goals.  This is especially true for spiritual matters, I would vow to say certain prayers daily spend a certain amount of time in adoration and of course regular reception of the Eucharist.

I think after all of these years I have learned a little bit about making resolutions.  They aren't bad in and of themselves, however I have found that when I focus on my resolutions I tend to forget the reason I make those silly resolutions, it's to grow close to Jesus and to become a better Christian.

This year I am making one resolution, to continue to make every effort to live my faith from minute to minute and from day to day.  I am finally learning not to focus too much on my fall but to wake up the next morning determined to live my faith anew.

As you ring in the new year and think of ways that you may grow in your faith, I am keeping you in my prayers and ask you to keep me in yours.

Happy New Year!!!
Hopeful

Happy Birthday Elijah

Today is 4th Sunday of Advent but it also is another reason for celebration.  My nephew turns three today and though I can't be there to celebrate with him in person, I am very excited and can't wait till I see him for Christmas.

It's funny with birthdays, for little ones every year is a big deal.  For the past three years I have been excitedly looking forward to every milestone (a year, 18 mos, 2 years, etc.) expecting to see this overnight change.  I haven't noticed any changes in me since my 18th birthday (I really think I haven't changed much)  folks who haven't seen me in over 18 years still recognize me.

I am looking forward to a chatty Eli, a big boy who doesn't have to cling to his tia in order to fall asleep and one who is now open to sharing.  After all, he's a big boy today :)