When we are in the midst of carrying our cross we are never willing to embrace it nor do we open our eyes to its beauty or the graces that can flow from it. More than once I have found myself asking God why can't he give me an easy button in the form of a wealthy and willing donor who wants to help me live my vocation. I know however that the journey that I have been on over the past couple of years has been for my benefit and the benefit of those I have and will continue to come across.
I am so grateful for this Lent but I am also in a way struggling to embrace it. I heard someone say that each Lent should be the best Lent we've ever had. Well I can honestly say that though this Lent is proving to be the hardest for me spiritually, it is also shaping to be the best Lent that I have ever had.
As I prepared to begin the season I began to see that the Lord's will for me this Lent would be to take up my own cross, rather embrace it and follow Him. I don't know how many times I begged the Lord to let me suffer like Him, to let me come close to experiencing what he had. I have on occasion been a bit jealous of James Caviezel because I feel that in the making of The Passion of the Christ he got to experience a fraction of what Our Lord went through. I know that I am not able to endure what the Lord endured but I have come to realize that I am to embrace my own cross and endure whatever suffering the Lord sees fit to gift me with.
My suffering has always been the fact that I am very private (who knew?) about my discernment. Many of the folks in my life are not aware of it and neither are some of my family members. It is because I fear rejection from them and a lack of understanding about this call from God. However, despite myself I have come to embrace that fact and I am fighting to be more open, to share my story to those who ask and to not be shy about telling others about my future. Usually when I'm asked about children or a husband I tend to smile, nod and give some generic answer. Lately, however I've been owning up to the fact that I am in fact discerning and I freely share my story to those who inquire.
A couple of weeks ago, I was speaking to my adoration partner and she asked me if I had children, I replied in the negative and she asked about a boyfriend/husband. An hour later, I had told her my discernment story and she shared with me the story of her aunt the Benedictine nun and of her uncle the priest. We truly connected and I must say it felt great to share my story with someone and connect with them.
Today, she told me that she wanted to give me a gift (a 1962 missal - the very one that is needed by a new SMMC postulant!!) I was absolutely overjoyed and couldn't believe it. I had been her partner for about a year and had not said more than hello to her and now two weeks after our chat and learning of my pending entrance, she wanted to help me with my list.
Time and time again I'm told that people would welcome to the opportunity to help me live my vocation but yet there is a fear that keeps me closed off. It keeps me locked up and unable to share, fearing the rejection fearing that I will "put them out". Over the last couple of weeks the Lord has been guiding me and showering me with more graces that I could ask for. The average person might not think much of these small confirmations but for me, the reluctant one they are just the thing to get me going on my path to embrace my cross. I am allowing myself to accept this cross and to let go of my tendency to be closed off and private about my vocation and instead share it with those who the Lord is asking me to share it with.
Thank you for all of the prayers; I ask for your continued prayers as I navigate this Lent. Know that you are all in my prayers as well.
United in Christ,
Hopeful
