The benefits of waiting

In just four months, my nephew will be three years old.  This had me thinking about my journey a bit and the time I have spent trying to discern the Lord's will; it has been 40 months since I started my discernment, 32 months since I started looking at communities, 25 months since I found out about the SMMCs, 17 months since I first visited them, 14 months since I started the application process and 6 months since I received my letter of acceptance from Mother.  I guess you want to know the point of all of this rambling about how long I have been discerning.

I am sure you guys have read about my struggles and doubts when it comes to trusting God and letting him take control of my vocation.  It comes from nothing but frustration and unfortunately this frustration has led me to be careless and not care to guard my heart or my vocation.  Lately I have been putting my prayers on the back burner not because of lack of time but because of a lack of motivation.  

Today's gospel reading about the canaanite woman and the subsequent Homily by Father moved me to tears as I was reminded that I am not willing to wait, I'm not willing to persevere for my vocation.  Here is this woman who clearly was ignored after her first request and yet she persisted! She trusted in the Lord.  Even when the Apostles wanted her gone, she kept her gaze on one thing....Christ.  And she trusted that he would answer.  The ironic thing is that I've asked and begged to suffer with my Lord because I wanted to feel as close to what he felt as I could.  Now however, I can't seem to do it; I've read stories of saints who were tested by Novice Mistresses, superiors and even Spiritual Directors to help "weed out" the weak so to speak.  I always thought that I would happily bear these things because I am grateful the Lord has called me.  Unfortunately I am letting my frustration about having to wait affect my relationship with the Lord.

The truth is there are plenty of benefits to waiting and I know darn well that there are.  First - a selfish and very silly benefit (I get to see my little sister graduate from Dental Hygiene school) second - I might get to see my brother get married (let us hope) third - I get to grow closer to Lord, to the Blessed Mother and I get to mature emotionally and spiritually fourth - I get to truly live out my yes and get to see constant reminders that the Lord sought out my heart and my yes.  He pursued me and he courted me I mean what more could a girl want?  I mean the list goes on and on and on; I could list a lot of things that I find to be benefits of waiting.  However, the sad fact is... as someone who has bought into the "I want it now" way of things and want to live out my yes today.  It could also be that August 22nd is fast approaching and that was to be my entrance date.

As much as I have "suffered" through having to wait yet another year before I could begin formation, I must say that I am truly growing to appreciate the fact that I am called more and more.  I cannot wait until the day I can enter and know that I am living all of my days with complete abandon.  However, I must be honest and admit that I do find it hard to read news of young postulants becoming novices and novices taking first vows without felling a twinge of despair.  

I went to confession today because of these very issues and all of a sudden the light bulb came on.  I realized that I've been acting like a frustrated girlfriend.  I have been mad at having to wait and have tried to take things into my own hands.  This has resulted in me doing nothing but hurting myself, using others and in turn hurting them in order to deal with my frustrations.  I know there are even more great things to come from waiting, from this time of preparation but yet I am unwilling to wait, to trust and to love.  Mind you this unwillingness does not come from the fact that I not want things to happen in God's time but it is because I am scared, scared that this life that the Lord is calling me to right now might not be the life he is calling me to for the rest of my life.

Just as a bride must wait for her bridegroom so I must
 wait for the time I am to be received by my bridegroom and I must trust in his love for me, in his ability to provide for me and most of all in his commitment to me.  At times I feel like a young woman who accepted a proposal of marriage in a moment of bliss, of pure love; only to be faced with the reality of what it takes to make a relationship, a marriage work.  At that hint of reality, I find that I am questioning the one person whom I trusted above all things, the one person that I promised myself to - My intended.  I pray that I go to that moment of bliss, that moment when I screamed yes with all of my heart every day, so that I may remember that this relationship, despite my uncertainty, my fears and my frustration is built to last.

Prayers please for myself and for all of discerning young women who might find themselves having similar feelings.

In Christ our love,

Hopeful

Coolest Blog post Eva!!!

OK so one of my friend has a blog that he sometimes use to display his artistic genius (he designed the banner for my website)  Anyways, I saw this post on his page a few days ago and made a comment that he needed to do other stuff, specifically a mini SMMC.  Below is what he came up with and I just think it is the coolest stuff Eva!!!!!

Max my friend, I give you the win (just for today - and I'll take it back in a heartbeat if you try to use this to misquote me)

Happy Monday everyone and may you be Christ to another today,
Hopeful

Another Chapter begins

So I have been actively discerning a call to the religious life for about three years now and for these three years I have been working with the vicar at my parish who serves as my Spiritual Director.  I had met him a little less than a year prior to starting my discernment and I felt super comfortable with him as a SD because of the fact that he had recently been ordained.

Sadly our diocesan priests do not stay in one place for too long so my good friend and great spiritual guide had to go where he was called/assigned.  Though I knew it was inevitable, when he told me I had to fight to retain tears; I knew it was for the best and that in the Lord's wonderful wisdom the timing was perfect for his growth as well as the parish's but that didn't stop me from being upset about it.

He was kind enough to recommend a new SD, a priest from another parish whom he thought would be a great match to my spiritual style.  I agreed reluctantly and I got in contact with "the new guy" I was just shocked at how quickly he was willing to "hand me over" to the next guide so to speak.  I mean it's over that quickly?  I was expecting the transition to be a more kinder process.

I thought I was so ready for religious life because I had mastered detachment, well it turned out that I was far from it.  Here I was preparing myself and my family for the time when they would say goodbye and I couldn't even manage to say goodbye to a SD that I saw once a month!   I see the new SD again in about three weeks and I am truly looking forward to it to see what God has in store for me.  The close of this chapter in my spiritual growth is a gentle reminder that I am not at all in control and that I need to continue to trust God.

Please pray for me because I truly want His will to be done.

Pax,
Hopeful

A Plea for help

Today’s post is not going to be my usual ramblings and random thoughts but rather a plea for your assistance. Please pass this along to your friends, family and even your parish family to help me make my entrance to the SMMC a reality.

I have sold my car in an effort to maximize the amount of money I put toward my student loans and I have been making and selling rosaries at my local catholic store in an effort to raise more funds. Unfortunately I need to do even more in order to make my entrance to my future community a reality. Thankfully, the Labouré Society is working with me and I plan on applying to the Mater Ecclesiae Fund for Vocations for assistance.

The Mater Ecclesiae Fund for Vocations is a non-profit organization that helps those entering religious life pay their student loan debt, this is a grant program that relies heavily on donations and as such they cannot help everyone; last year I applied and could not be granted due to the heavy demands.  I am going to reapply again and hope to be selected as a grantee; In addition to the amount of debt an applicant has, one aspect they look at is how active the applicant is in helping themselves.

This is where you can help! I am looking for as many folks who are able to donate here in my name! ANY amount is perfect, $1, $5, $10, $100 or whatever you can do! If you are not able to help, please pass this on and ask your friends and family to pass it on to whomever they know of who wish to support vocations in the Church.  In addition to asking for you financial support, I beg your continued prayers as I continue my walk with God.

If you can think of any other resource that I might look into for further assistance, please leave me a comment or send me an email with some additional information.  I am trying to get some assistance from my local K of C and Serra club.  Unfortunately there is not much they can do financially but they have promised to help with fundraising by assisting with dinners etc.  Thank you for your time and prayers! Remember, donations to the Labouré Society are tax deductible.  If you wish to donate, please Click here now to do so! Don’t forget to put my name, Dyna in the comments section!

If you want to learn more about my journey, you can read my vocation story by clicking here. I am also selling handmade rosaries online; if you wish to buy something instead of/in addition to giving you can do so by going to my website, Inspired Treasures.

God Bless you and your family!

Hopeful

To make a donation in my name, visit: http://labouresociety.org/options/ 

To read my vocation story visit:  This link

To purchase one of my rosaries or: www.rosarieschaplets.com

To learn about the Labouré Society visit: http://labouresociety.org/

To learn more about the MEFV visit: http://fundforvocations.org/

To learn about the SMMC visit: www.sistersofmarymc.org  

Confessions of a Discerning woman

I have a confession to make, multiple confessions actually.  For the past month and half or so I have not been truthful.  I have not been truthful to myself, to others and mostly to God.  Granted, the Lord knows all but I have been trying to actually fool him.  I have not been truthful enough to admit to the Lord and to others that I am scared, that I have not been trusting the Lord and that I have allowed my fears about what's ahead in this journey to have too much of an impact on my relationship with God.

There's been so much going on with me in terms of discernment and just life in general that I have not been "myself".  I have been doubting God in the worst way, I've been doubting His ability to provide for me in the way that I need.  I have been doubting his companionship and I have been doubting all the graces I have received.  The sad part is that while I have been doubting the Lord about His ability to provide and care for me, I have been telling others of the importance of trusting in the Lord and telling them of the need to turn all of their worries over to Him.  Daily I profess my love for the Lord and I say how much I trust in Him but yet deep down I know I am afraid to the point that I don't fully trust him and I know I do not live as if I love Him.  I choose myself above Him and I don't care to be Him to others or to try and see Him in others.

It is a horrible feeling to know that the way I live my faith outwardly is not a true reflection of how I am living my faith internally.  For the sake of others, I pretend that I am OK with the Lord (that I trust in Him, and have deep Hope in Him) Sadly I continue to go on this way and I believe that I must go on this way (faking past the doubt and fear) because that is what's expected of a discerning young woman.

A while back, I shared with my Spiritual Director my unhappiness at learning that news of my discernment had spread.  I was quite upset that my discernment had become public, I wanted to discern in private so that I could be at peace to truly hear the Lord.  The truth of it is the reasons I thought of were not truly why I wanted to discern privately.  I am now realizing that I did not want people to know of my discernment because of the fact that I didn't want to be held to any standards, especially a standard of a life of holiness.  I feel that I am expected to trust, to love and to know the Lord intimately. 

The truth is none of these are true; there are times when I question God and I find myself questioning His will for me, His wisdom in leading me toward a certain path and in truth His ability to provide.  Now as a future religious, I am expected not have doubts or moments of despair; but I do because I am fully human and I get terribly scared.

I saw my Spiritual Director late last week and we discussed this very thing (my doubts, fear and despair) He reminded me of the fact that Hope depends not on looking at what is ahead of us but rather on us looking back at past graces, evidence of God's love, faithfulness & presence and to resolve to continue our journey trusting and depending on Him.  I look back and I know I must have Hope because it is clear God has led me here.  I just need to continue to live my faith day by day and to stop worrying about tomorrow.

This task is easier said than done, pray for me dear friends as I strive to trust, to love and to obey day by day.

Yours in Christ,
Hopeful