About Me

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Florida, United States
I am a Hopeful Bride of Christ and I long for the day I can dedicate all of my life to Him. I have been actively discerning religious life for about 4 years now and I have been accepted to enter the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Church. I hope to begin formation soon and beg your prayers that my student loans do not keep me from entering. With your help and prayers I hope that my entrance to the SMMC will soon be reality. Rest assured that you are all in my thoughts and prayers - most especially those young men and women discerning their vocations, whether to the religious life, priesthood or married life. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue this journey toward Him.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Confessions of a Discerning woman

I have a confession to make, multiple confessions actually.  For the past month and half or so I have not been truthful.  I have not been truthful to myself, to others and mostly to God.  Granted, the Lord knows all but I have been trying to actually fool him.  I have not been truthful enough to admit to the Lord and to others that I am scared, that I have not been trusting the Lord and that I have allowed my fears about what's ahead in this journey to have too much of an impact on my relationship with God.

There's been so much going on with me in terms of discernment and just life in general that I have not been "myself".  I have been doubting God in the worst way, I've been doubting His ability to provide for me in the way that I need.  I have been doubting his companionship and I have been doubting all the graces I have received.  The sad part is that while I have been doubting the Lord about His ability to provide and care for me, I have been telling others of the importance of trusting in the Lord and telling them of the need to turn all of their worries over to Him.  Daily I profess my love for the Lord and I say how much I trust in Him but yet deep down I know I am afraid to the point that I don't fully trust him and I know I do not live as if I love Him.  I choose myself above Him and I don't care to be Him to others or to try and see Him in others.

It is a horrible feeling to know that the way I live my faith outwardly is not a true reflection of how I am living my faith internally.  For the sake of others, I pretend that I am OK with the Lord (that I trust in Him, and have deep Hope in Him) Sadly I continue to go on this way and I believe that I must go on this way (faking past the doubt and fear) because that is what's expected of a discerning young woman.

A while back, I shared with my Spiritual Director my unhappiness at learning that news of my discernment had spread.  I was quite upset that my discernment had become public, I wanted to discern in private so that I could be at peace to truly hear the Lord.  The truth of it is the reasons I thought of were not truly why I wanted to discern privately.  I am now realizing that I did not want people to know of my discernment because of the fact that I didn't want to be held to any standards, especially a standard of a life of holiness.  I feel that I am expected to trust, to love and to know the Lord intimately. 

The truth is none of these are true; there are times when I question God and I find myself questioning His will for me, His wisdom in leading me toward a certain path and in truth His ability to provide.  Now as a future religious, I am expected not have doubts or moments of despair; but I do because I am fully human and I get terribly scared.

I saw my Spiritual Director late last week and we discussed this very thing (my doubts, fear and despair) He reminded me of the fact that Hope depends not on looking at what is ahead of us but rather on us looking back at past graces, evidence of God's love, faithfulness & presence and to resolve to continue our journey trusting and depending on Him.  I look back and I know I must have Hope because it is clear God has led me here.  I just need to continue to live my faith day by day and to stop worrying about tomorrow.

This task is easier said than done, pray for me dear friends as I strive to trust, to love and to obey day by day.

Yours in Christ,


  1. This is something that I think all of us struggle with: once people know we are discerning, they do expect us to be "nun-like," even though we know Religious Sisters have bad days, doubts, worries, and pet-peeves.

    Your witness of a life dedicated to God will make a difference and hopefully show other people that being a Catholic/Christian is not all "rainbows and sunshine" but it's worth it... because He's the one in charge, smoothing out our rough edges, etc.

    It is such a temptation to disconnect our interior prayer lives with what we say/do. But He will carry you through this time. I know it.
    My dear sister in Christ, prayers as you experience this time of doubt and despair. Don't give up on Him and His vocation for you- because He won't give up on you. EVER.

  2. Lisa,

    That is so on point. It's the same reason why people leave the faith when scandal breaks in the church. People put our priest and religious on this pedestal and forget that they are human.

    I'm finding some comfort in knowing that I don't have to worry about final vows, I just need to live out my vocation as I am called today.

    Thanks for the prayers. You're in mine as well.

  3. Hey Hopeful!

    Thanks for your honesty.

    I know exactly how you feel. I have shared with many that I am discerning and I have been expected to be perfect, nice, kind and loving to everyone.

    Many people assume that religious life solves problems and every brother, sister, priest is perfect. What some forget is that they are human and fallible.

    I will pray for you and it is a jungle out there. I was afraid but now I am so full of the gift of fortitude from the Holy Spirit! To know that there is someone out there who is going through the same struggles as I am is comforting. I am not alone.

    Know that you are not alone.

    Pax et bonum!

  4. Eileen,

    Thank you for the comforting words. It actually took me a few days to decide whether or not to blog about all of this and in the end I am quite glad that I did.

    Thanks for the prayers. You shall be in mine