God qualifies the called

This past June, I accompanied our Middle School youth group to covecrest along with some parents and two other core team members.  Like the year before, I fully expected the kids to get a boatload out of it and of course they did.  What I forgot was how much I would benefit from it.  I was so focused on making sure the kids allowed the Holy Spirit to transform them that I didn't worry about the Holy Spirit transforming me.

During that wonderful week there, I came face to face with myself; my fears, my shortcomings and my self-inflicted obstacles. I was so aware of how not worthy that I was for the call to Religious Life that I found myself asking God if He was sure. I honestly wanted and needed an explanation as to why our wise Lord would choose an undeserving sinner like me to live on this path to Holiness. This brought me great sadness and it troubled me greatly. It wasn't until Thursday (camp was from Monday - Saturday) that I finally stopped to focus on how unworthy I was but rather on how wonderful and merciful our Lord was. Father Rob (bless His heart) kept reassuring the teens that they were wonderful and they were definitely worthy of the Lord's love.

That evening I went to chapel for evening prayer and as I sat there, reading psalm 139 I couldn't help but sob uncontrollably. That psalm always have that effect on me for some weird reason. I started to realize that the Lord knew me much more than I knew myself and if He saw fit to call me to this life then I should embrace it and Him. The next day we celebrated the feast of St. Peter and Paul (how fitting was that?) I remember clearly how father Rob reminded the kids that "today is the Feast day for anyone who's ever messed up" he also reminded all of us not to struggle with our shortcomings because "God does not call the qualified, but He qualifies the called" It meant so much to me to hear that especially due to the struggles I was having earlier in the week.

I wrote that little sentence down in one of my notebooks and I kept reminding myself that God didn't call me because I'm the best person for the job and the most perfect one out there. He called me because out of my weaknesses, my failures he can bring about something beautiful. Early on in my discernment St. Paul and St. Peter were great examples to me of how much one does not need to be perfect. Then of course I remembered David and I realized that I was in "good company" with my less than perfect ways. Years later, I stumbled onto St. Augustine and St. Monica and I found a kindred spirit (oddly enough in both of them) I see how much this wonderful saint loved Our Lord and had such compunction for his shortcomings and all I can think of is how wonderful. Someone who definitely was not perfect but who through the prayers of His mother and through the Lord's grace became a saint.

Today, as we celebrate the feast of one of my most loved saints, I invite you to remember that we are called to strive for perfection but that doesn't mean that we are discounted if we are not there yet. All we need is to be sincere in our desire for the Lord and do our best to overcome our shortcomings. St. Augustine recognized his sinfulness but then gave it all to the Lord and allowed Him to transform his heart. I beg the prayers of this wise saint along with that of his mother everyday and I know they are storming heaven for me.

In celebrating the feast of St. Augustine today, remember that God qualifies the called; and so if you let Him, He will prepare you for whatever wonderful thing He has planned for you.

Happy feast day of St. Augustine,
Hopeful

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The reality of entering

Hi there!  Yeah I'm still here.  I've been preparing for entrance by being as aggressive as I can with paying down my loans as well as being persistent in my fundraising efforts.  I was working on a dinner in which one of the sisters would give a talk but it looks like the dinner won't be happening anytime soon.  Initially I had planned on a dinner for October 22nd but with the need to get everything ready to enter as soon as possible, it does not look like I will be able to have a dinner any time soon.  I am hopeful though that I can fundraise enough to be ready for entrance.

In other news, my discernment is going as can be expected.  I went through a good week of anxiety and fear of the unknown shortly after I gave my boss official notice that I was leaving.  We both knew that I was leaving but giving her my letter of resignation made it all too real and I got the gist of what I was doing.  I didn't have any regrets or second thoughts but I didn't realize how much I needed to trust in the Lord as I continued to make steps to enter Religious Life.  

So these last few weeks have been a wave of emotions for me as I prepare to face the unknown.  I have  experienced true happiness and joy at the anticipation of my entrance and the beginning of a life lived in Community.  I have experienced anxiety when I think of the fact that I not only need to get additional items for my trousseau but also must be just about debt-free by the time I enter.  

Last night in Adoration, I told the Lord that I was going to spend the next hour with him in silence and I barely made it.  After about half an hour I wanted to pull out my rosary to pray the rosary and I just about did and I was reminded gently of my promise.  Fifteen minutes after that I wanted to pull out my book to do some spiritual reading; it wasn't until the last ten minutes of Adoration that I finally decided to stop and silence my heart and mind and hear the Lord.  

I have been soo looking forward to my entrance that I haven't been thinking too much about what it would be like.  Now that's it's approaching, I think about it more and more and I realize that I won't be visiting anymore and I keep thinking and worrying about that.  While I am exited on one hand, I can't help but be worried about "messing" up.  

I wonder if this is how a new bride feels after the wedding, when she and her groom are finally under one roof and she suddenly feels as though she is under a microscope.  I will never know since I have never been a new bride, but I do know that when I think of life in the convent I do feel as though it will be like living under a microscope; I don't want to "mess up" nor do I want to be unnatural.  I guess I need to continue to remind myself to just be myself, just as I was on my previous visits.  

I need your prayers now more than ever as I prepare for this very exciting and radical move especially as I work on eliminating my loans.  Please consider making a donation or inviting someone to donate to support my vocation.

May God Bless you always,

Hopeful