Hi there! Yeah I'm still here. I've been preparing for entrance by being as aggressive as I can with paying down my loans as well as being persistent in my fundraising efforts. I was working on a dinner in which one of the sisters would give a talk but it looks like the dinner won't be happening anytime soon. Initially I had planned on a dinner for October 22nd but with the need to get everything ready to enter as soon as possible, it does not look like I will be able to have a dinner any time soon. I am hopeful though that I can fundraise enough to be ready for entrance.
In other news, my discernment is going as can be expected. I went through a good week of anxiety and fear of the unknown shortly after I gave my boss official notice that I was leaving. We both knew that I was leaving but giving her my letter of resignation made it all too real and I got the gist of what I was doing. I didn't have any regrets or second thoughts but I didn't realize how much I needed to trust in the Lord as I continued to make steps to enter Religious Life.
So these last few weeks have been a wave of emotions for me as I prepare to face the unknown. I have experienced true happiness and joy at the anticipation of my entrance and the beginning of a life lived in Community. I have experienced anxiety when I think of the fact that I not only need to get additional items for my trousseau but also must be just about debt-free by the time I enter.
Last night in Adoration, I told the Lord that I was going to spend the next hour with him in silence and I barely made it. After about half an hour I wanted to pull out my rosary to pray the rosary and I just about did and I was reminded gently of my promise. Fifteen minutes after that I wanted to pull out my book to do some spiritual reading; it wasn't until the last ten minutes of Adoration that I finally decided to stop and silence my heart and mind and hear the Lord.
I have been soo looking forward to my entrance that I haven't been thinking too much about what it would be like. Now that's it's approaching, I think about it more and more and I realize that I won't be visiting anymore and I keep thinking and worrying about that. While I am exited on one hand, I can't help but be worried about "messing" up.
I wonder if this is how a new bride feels after the wedding, when she and her groom are finally under one roof and she suddenly feels as though she is under a microscope. I will never know since I have never been a new bride, but I do know that when I think of life in the convent I do feel as though it will be like living under a microscope; I don't want to "mess up" nor do I want to be unnatural. I guess I need to continue to remind myself to just be myself, just as I was on my previous visits.
I need your prayers now more than ever as I prepare for this very exciting and radical move especially as I work on eliminating my loans. Please consider making a donation or inviting someone to donate to support my vocation.
May God Bless you always,