About Me

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Florida, United States
I am a Hopeful Bride of Christ and I long for the day I can dedicate all of my life to Him. I have been actively discerning religious life for about 4 years now and I have been accepted to enter the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Church. I hope to begin formation soon and beg your prayers that my student loans do not keep me from entering. With your help and prayers I hope that my entrance to the SMMC will soon be reality. Rest assured that you are all in my thoughts and prayers - most especially those young men and women discerning their vocations, whether to the religious life, priesthood or married life. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue this journey toward Him.
Showing posts with label Discernment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Discernment. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

God qualifies the called


This past June, I accompanied our Middle School youth group to covecrest along with some parents and two other core team members.  Like the year before, I fully expected the kids to get a boatload out of it and of course they did.  What I forgot was how much I would benefit from it.  I was so focused on making sure the kids allowed the Holy Spirit to transform them that I didn't worry about the Holy Spirit transforming me.
During that wonderful week there, I came face to face with myself; my fears, my shortcomings and my self-inflicted obstacles. I was so aware of how not worthy that I was for the call to Religious Life that I found myself asking God if He was sure. I honestly wanted and needed an explanation as to why our wise Lord would choose an undeserving sinner like me to live on this path to Holiness. This brought me great sadness and it troubled me greatly. It wasn't until Thursday (camp was from Monday - Saturday) that I finally stopped to focus on how unworthy I was but rather on how wonderful and merciful our Lord was. Father Rob (bless His heart) kept reassuring the teens that they were wonderful and they were definitely worthy of the Lord's love.
That evening I went to chapel for evening prayer and as I sat there, reading psalm 139 I couldn't help but sob uncontrollably. That psalm always have that effect on me for some weird reason. I started to realize that the Lord knew me much more than I knew myself and if He saw fit to call me to this life then I should embrace it and Him. The next day we celebrated the feast of St. Peter and Paul (how fitting was that?) I remember clearly how father Rob reminded the kids that "today is the Feast day for anyone who's ever messed up" he also reminded all of us not to struggle with our shortcomings because "God does not call the qualified, but He qualifies the called" It meant so much to me to hear that especially due to the struggles I was having earlier in the week.
I wrote that little sentence down in one of my notebooks and I kept reminding myself that God didn't call me because I'm the best person for the job and the most perfect one out there. He called me because out of my weaknesses, my failures he can bring about something beautiful. Early on in my discernment St. Paul and St. Peter were great examples to me of how much one does not need to be perfect. Then of course I remembered David and I realized that I was in "good company" with my less than perfect ways. Years later, I stumbled onto St. Augustine and St. Monica and I found a kindred spirit (oddly enough in both of them) I see how much this wonderful saint loved Our Lord and had such compunction for his shortcomings and all I can think of is how wonderful. Someone who definitely was not perfect but who through the prayers of His mother and through the Lord's grace became a saint.
Today, as we celebrate the feast of one of my most loved saints, I invite you to remember that we are called to strive for perfection but that doesn't mean that we are discounted if we are not there yet. All we need is to be sincere in our desire for the Lord and do our best to overcome our shortcomings. St. Augustine recognized his sinfulness but then gave it all to the Lord and allowed Him to transform his heart. I beg the prayers of this wise saint along with that of his mother everyday and I know they are storming heaven for me.
In celebrating the feast of St. Augustine today, remember that God qualifies the called; and so if you let Him, He will prepare you for whatever wonderful thing He has planned for you.
Happy feast day of St. Augustine,
Hopeful
Support a vocation to Religious Life

Sunday, August 26, 2012

The reality of entering

Hi there!  Yeah I'm still here.  I've been preparing for entrance by being as aggressive as I can with paying down my loans as well as being persistent in my fundraising efforts.  I was working on a dinner in which one of the sisters would give a talk but it looks like the dinner won't be happening anytime soon.  Initially I had planned on a dinner for October 22nd but with the need to get everything ready to enter as soon as possible, it does not look like I will be able to have a dinner any time soon.  I am hopeful though that I can fundraise enough to be ready for entrance.

In other news, my discernment is going as can be expected.  I went through a good week of anxiety and fear of the unknown shortly after I gave my boss official notice that I was leaving.  We both knew that I was leaving but giving her my letter of resignation made it all too real and I got the gist of what I was doing.  I didn't have any regrets or second thoughts but I didn't realize how much I needed to trust in the Lord as I continued to make steps to enter Religious Life.  

So these last few weeks have been a wave of emotions for me as I prepare to face the unknown.  I have  experienced true happiness and joy at the anticipation of my entrance and the beginning of a life lived in Community.  I have experienced anxiety when I think of the fact that I not only need to get additional items for my trousseau but also must be just about debt-free by the time I enter.  

Last night in Adoration, I told the Lord that I was going to spend the next hour with him in silence and I barely made it.  After about half an hour I wanted to pull out my rosary to pray the rosary and I just about did and I was reminded gently of my promise.  Fifteen minutes after that I wanted to pull out my book to do some spiritual reading; it wasn't until the last ten minutes of Adoration that I finally decided to stop and silence my heart and mind and hear the Lord.  

I have been soo looking forward to my entrance that I haven't been thinking too much about what it would be like.  Now that's it's approaching, I think about it more and more and I realize that I won't be visiting anymore and I keep thinking and worrying about that.  While I am exited on one hand, I can't help but be worried about "messing" up.  

I wonder if this is how a new bride feels after the wedding, when she and her groom are finally under one roof and she suddenly feels as though she is under a microscope.  I will never know since I have never been a new bride, but I do know that when I think of life in the convent I do feel as though it will be like living under a microscope; I don't want to "mess up" nor do I want to be unnatural.  I guess I need to continue to remind myself to just be myself, just as I was on my previous visits.  

I need your prayers now more than ever as I prepare for this very exciting and radical move especially as I work on eliminating my loans.  Please consider making a donation or inviting someone to donate to support my vocation.

May God Bless you always,
Hopeful


Monday, July 9, 2012

Remembrance

So over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking of my unworthiness.  Not only in terms of this beautiful vocation the Lord has called me to but the fact that he has seen fit to invite me to His table.  It brings tears to my eyes and I get so overwhelmed.  I was thinking of a way to express my feelings and then Matt Maher came on and this song just dotted the i.

Oh, how could it be
That my God would welcome me into this mystery
Say take this bread, take this wine
Now the simple made divine for any to receive

By Your mercy, we come to Your table
By Your grace, You are making us faithful

Lord, we remember You
And remembrance leads us to worship
And as we worship You
Our worship leads to communion
We respond to Your invitation, we remember You

See His body, His blood
Know that He has overcome every trial we will face
None too lost to be saved
None too broken or ashamed, all are welcome in this place

By Your mercy, we come to Your table
By Your grace, You are making us faithful

Lord, we remember You
And remembrance leads us to worship
And as we worship You
Our worship leads to communion
We respond to Your invitation, we remember You

Dying You destroyed our death
Rising You restored our life
Lord Jesus, come in glory

Lord Jesus, come in glory
Lord Jesus, come in glory
Lord Jesus, come in glory

Lord, we remember You
And remembrance leads us to worship
And as we worship You
Our worship leads to communion
We respond to Your invitation
We respond to Your invitation, we remember You 

picture from savior.org
I just want to sit at His feet in adoration and just let him into my heart.  I don't need to tell Him anything, he knows it all; He knows what I'm feeling, what I desire more than anything is to have time with Him in silence.  

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Hello There

I am still here, really I am.  I have been planning for my August 22 entrance and trying to keep on top of my work and ministry obligations and have completely ignored my blog.  I want to thank everyone who has been praying for me and supporting me.  I am preparing to find out from the Laboure Society about a grant, I a praying that I am awarded enough to help continue make a dent in my student loans.  I have reached out to a local business that didn't yield much however I am continuing to reach out and trying to garner enough funds to make my entrance a reality.

I have been looking at ways to raise funds and I stumbled on razoo, I decided to look into it and now I have a page set up to receive donations.  This link (http://www.razoo.com/story/Dyna-S-Vocation) takes you straight to my page complete with my story and my goal.  I'm working on adding some more info but in the meantime, I have gone ahead made the page public.  Since I am not able to be a part of the Laboure Society's new class for 2013, I have spoken with the sisters and will be working with them to raise funds. All funds donated will go to the sisters on my behalf.

As you take a look at my page, please consider sharing a link to my razoo via twitter, facebook or email.  I am trying to spread the word and raise the needed $40,000 by July 31st.  Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue to prepare for entrance.  63 days left and my entrance can be made a reality with your help.

Pax!
Dyna

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Happy Easter

Wow.  I think this writer's block has lasted much much longer than I thought it would.  I have been so focused on worrying about not worrying that I have not really had the time to reflect or share anything with my followers.

There is not much going on with yours truly; as I reported in an earlier post (I hope I actually posted that one) I visited the sisters right before the beginning of Lent and it was wonderful.  I am now working on making my entrance a reality.  I am organizing a nun run to help raise more funds, the details of it are still in the works but I am really hoping to be able to have the run in June.  My hope was for June 27th because I love everything Marian (duh!) but that will not be possible due to another commitment with the EDGE youth group.

I have a meeting with a friend sometime next week to discuss the course for the nun run along with securing sponsors for T-shirt for the runners and drinks.  Please pray that this goes well.

On another note, being the complete ADD crazy, paranoid person that I am, I have started some Novenas for the elimination of my loans.  If you wish to join me, please let me know and I will send you the documents that you may pray along.  It doesn't matter if you start later, the plan is to pray for my intentions and that of all discerners who have educational debt as an obstacle.

I am making a Novena to st. Rita, St. Joseph, Our Lady of Mt. Carmel and Our Lady of Good Success.  I believe a few of my friends are also praying to St. Therese and St. Jude.  We basically picked these saints and I told them to pick who-ever they wanted to make the Novena to.

Blessings to you on this Easter Thursday,
Hopeful

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Decisions Decisions


Lent is here and though I thought I was ready for my favorite Liturgical season I am finding out that I am not quite there.

I have been racking my brain over the past weeks trying to figure out what I must do for Lent and what I needed to "give up"  There were so many decisions to make.   In other news, I found out the decision of the MEFV board and I was not awarded a grant.  I don't take this to mean that I will not be able to enter this year, I take it to mean that I will have to trust the Lord to work out another way for me to enter this year.

I am currently visiting the sisters, no I am visiting my sisters and of course I took the opportunity to be here to speak to Mother.  We spoke for a couple of hours and it was really wonderful to be able to talk to her.  In the middle of our conversation SrMJ who was copied on the email came in and gave the news that the MEFV board was not able to award me a grant.  I took this opportunity to continue speaking to mother about one of the things I wished to do (which was to move closer to the sisters should I be unable to enter this year) we left it up to discuss in May after the Laboure Society makes their decision on grants.

In the meantime we discussed possible ways I can fundraise and I've got homework.  I got very excited at the prospect of working with my local Serra club for assistance in fundraising.  I also got the chance to speak to one of the Local Catholic bookstores in Spokane and the owner was gracious enough to allow me to put my rosaries in her shop as a way of fundraising.  I of course spoke with Mother who was definitely in agreement, so if you know anyone in the Spokane area direct them to ABBA's bookstore and invite them to support me and the sisters in my vocation journey.

Working out ways to make my entrance a possibility this year made me realize what I needed to work on giving up.  It is not something tangible but it has been a big obstacle for me, it has even been the cause of me not being able to grow in some of the virtues I so desperately want to grow in.  The big monster I am speaking of is PRIDE, I have been telling myself that the reason I am not too forward about asking for donations is because I am worried about folks who are struggling.  The fact is (as I am often being told and I keep conveniently forgetting) many catholics want the opportunity to support vocations in the Church.  Due to my pride I have decided on my own not to even give them that opportunity because I either don't want to share my story or decide they won't receive me in a positive way.  I've realized that in either case I would be in good company.  Jesus Himself wasn't well received by his own townsmen! so who am I to be apprehensive about that?  The face to face meetings that I have had have proved to me that I've been wrong about my worries and I only need to be open and willing to share myself with others and give them an opportunity to help me in any way their station in life allows them to.  Perhaps all one person can do for me is pray but it is also possible that another can give $5 while another can give $20 or another $80.  

A perfect example is a parishioner who asked me to fix his rosary, of course I didn't intend to charge him anything but the cost of the materials.  Well He wrote me a check for $80!  Now had I been planning a meeting with him, I would have been reluctant to because my pride would have had me convincing myself that he has little ones and therefore should not be bothered by me asking for a donation.  In speaking to him he openly answered "I only wish I could do more" If only he realized what he had done.  He has opened my eyes to my issue of pride and reluctance to share my journey.

As a religious you do not belong to yourself; you belong to the Christ, His Church and His people.  I am perfectly willing to belong to Christ and His people and I know that will be my life as a religious.  In keeping with my desire to live my vocation now, I must therefore be willing and open to sharing my life with Christ's people today.

Please keep me in your prayers this Lenten season.  This task will be hard and I know only with the Lord's grace will I be able to do it.  I entrust it all to Him and I ask Him for a converted heart that I my replace my pride with true humility.

Pax,
Hopeful

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

WOW

Happy Feast day of St. Cecilia!!!!

I knew that it's been a while since my last post but I didn't realize that it's going on a month!!! I can't believe just how busy I have been.  My deepest apologies for the neglect on my part, so much has been going on with me that I am not sure where to begin.  I think the best thing to do is to give you updates in sections.

Discernment
Well things have been going well, I attended a retreat in the beginning of the month that still have me spinning but I think it is a good thing (still praying about it)  I spoke with SrMJ about a week ago for the first time in almost a month and I am hoping to see the sisters sometime soon.  In fact I need to see them because it will help in dealing with this curveball.


I met with my Spiritual Director last week and he encourages me to continue to focus on my prayer life rather than trying to deal with curveballs and the unexpected.  I mean Religious Life is not about having security or all of the answers it is about trust so in dealing with what is going with me I need to continue to trust the Lord and remember that.  I know I sound all cryptic (sorry) everything is fine, I just need to be mindful of fact that closeness with Christ is the first thing that I need to work on.


Fundraising
A couple of days ago mom called me to let me know that she saw father G and he says that a check has been sent to the Laboure Society to help with my student loans.  It has not made it yet and I do not know how much the parish was able to donate.  In either case I am utterly grateful; I am thinking of doing something as a means of saying thank you to father's secretary for being such an advocate on my behalf. I was thinking of making her a rosary, what do y'all think?


I should probably have started by pointing out that the Laboure Society has changed the way they work with Aspirants a bit and so now the donation works differently.  Check out my Aspirant page on their web site.  So as part of the new fundraising campaign with the Laboure Society I have been meeting with folks face to face to request donations (it was such an intimidating idea at first but I've gotten over my fears)  If you are interested in donating and/or have any questions, feel free to send me an email and I will be more than happy to answer any questions you might have.


Oh something else that I almost forgot, I applied for the Mater Ecclesiae grant so please please pray that I am selected as one of next year's recipients.  I had applied last year but they were not able to award me.



Rosary Making
I have been steadily making rosaries to put on the website (though lately it seems that most of the ones I have been making have been for birthday presents or special occasions)  I was finally able to set up the website to allow me to take custom orders for customers outside of my local area.  Check out the last couple of orders (I didn't take pictures of the local ones)

If you are thinking of giving out rosaries for the holidays, consider my website.    
First Communion rosary 
St Anthony/St Francis Rosary



So this is about all that has been going on with me in terms of fundraising, discernment and rosary making.  I am soooo looking forward to advent and the new mass translation.

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

In Christ,
Hopeful

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Holy Inspiration

Today was a particularly productive day (even though it started out the opposite way) I made five keychains, two bracelets and a chaplet in about 4 hours!  I don't think I have ever been so productive.

I woke up well after 9:00 achy all over and wanted to do nothing but sleep.  However, my friend's 19 year old came by the house to mow the lawn and I had to help.  Before I knew it, the clock indicated it was 1:00 and my sister wanted to take the dogs out for a walk.  About two hours later, we were walking the dogs and I had found my second wind (well more like my first wind)

By 5 o'clock, I decided I would organize my rosary materials and before I knew it, I decided to start making some small items.  Every time I completed something I would decide to keep the production going and couldn't stop myself.  Here are some pictures, I am hoping to post them to the website tomorrow.










It's now past ten and I must start preparing for my Religious Education class tomorrow.  I am hoping to finish this watch that I am making for myself really soon (I will post pictures once it is done)

On another note, I spoke with sister Mary Joanna last week and she shared that Mother is hoping that I would be able to attend a particular retreat in November... I hope I can too.  Please keep the prayers coming, they have been so instrumental for me.

In Christ,
Hopeful

Saturday, August 13, 2011

The benefits of waiting

In just four months, my nephew will be three years old.  This had me thinking about my journey a bit and the time I have spent trying to discern the Lord's will; it has been 40 months since I started my discernment, 32 months since I started looking at communities, 25 months since I found out about the SMMCs, 17 months since I first visited them, 14 months since I started the application process and 6 months since I received my letter of acceptance from Mother.  I guess you want to know the point of all of this rambling about how long I have been discerning.

I am sure you guys have read about my struggles and doubts when it comes to trusting God and letting him take control of my vocation.  It comes from nothing but frustration and unfortunately this frustration has led me to be careless and not care to guard my heart or my vocation.  Lately I have been putting my prayers on the back burner not because of lack of time but because of a lack of motivation.  

Today's gospel reading about the canaanite woman and the subsequent Homily by Father moved me to tears as I was reminded that I am not willing to wait, I'm not willing to persevere for my vocation.  Here is this woman who clearly was ignored after her first request and yet she persisted! She trusted in the Lord.  Even when the Apostles wanted her gone, she kept her gaze on one thing....Christ.  And she trusted that he would answer.  The ironic thing is that I've asked and begged to suffer with my Lord because I wanted to feel as close to what he felt as I could.  Now however, I can't seem to do it; I've read stories of saints who were tested by Novice Mistresses, superiors and even Spiritual Directors to help "weed out" the weak so to speak.  I always thought that I would happily bear these things because I am grateful the Lord has called me.  Unfortunately I am letting my frustration about having to wait affect my relationship with the Lord.

The truth is there are plenty of benefits to waiting and I know darn well that there are.  First - a selfish and very silly benefit (I get to see my little sister graduate from Dental Hygiene school) second - I might get to see my brother get married (let us hope) third - I get to grow closer to Lord, to the Blessed Mother and I get to mature emotionally and spiritually fourth - I get to truly live out my yes and get to see constant reminders that the Lord sought out my heart and my yes.  He pursued me and he courted me I mean what more could a girl want?  I mean the list goes on and on and on; I could list a lot of things that I find to be benefits of waiting.  However, the sad fact is... as someone who has bought into the "I want it now" way of things and want to live out my yes today.  It could also be that August 22nd is fast approaching and that was to be my entrance date.

As much as I have "suffered" through having to wait yet another year before I could begin formation, I must say that I am truly growing to appreciate the fact that I am called more and more.  I cannot wait until the day I can enter and know that I am living all of my days with complete abandon.  However, I must be honest and admit that I do find it hard to read news of young postulants becoming novices and novices taking first vows without felling a twinge of despair.  

I went to confession today because of these very issues and all of a sudden the light bulb came on.  I realized that I've been acting like a frustrated girlfriend.  I have been mad at having to wait and have tried to take things into my own hands.  This has resulted in me doing nothing but hurting myself, using others and in turn hurting them in order to deal with my frustrations.  I know there are even more great things to come from waiting, from this time of preparation but yet I am unwilling to wait, to trust and to love.  Mind you this unwillingness does not come from the fact that I not want things to happen in God's time but it is because I am scared, scared that this life that the Lord is calling me to right now might not be the life he is calling me to for the rest of my life.


Just as a bride must wait for her bridegroom so I must
 wait for the time I am to be received by my bridegroom and I must trust in his love for me, in his ability to provide for me and most of all in his commitment to me.  At times I feel like a young woman who accepted a proposal of marriage in a moment of bliss, of pure love; only to be faced with the reality of what it takes to make a relationship, a marriage work.  At that hint of reality, I find that I am questioning the one person whom I trusted above all things, the one person that I promised myself to - My intended.  I pray that I go to that moment of bliss, that moment when I screamed yes with all of my heart every day, so that I may remember that this relationship, despite my uncertainty, my fears and my frustration is built to last.

Prayers please for myself and for all of discerning young women who might find themselves having similar feelings.

In Christ our love,
Hopeful

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Another Chapter begins

So I have been actively discerning a call to the religious life for about three years now and for these three years I have been working with the vicar at my parish who serves as my Spiritual Director.  I had met him a little less than a year prior to starting my discernment and I felt super comfortable with him as a SD because of the fact that he had recently been ordained.

Sadly our diocesan priests do not stay in one place for too long so my good friend and great spiritual guide had to go where he was called/assigned.  Though I knew it was inevitable, when he told me I had to fight to retain tears; I knew it was for the best and that in the Lord's wonderful wisdom the timing was perfect for his growth as well as the parish's but that didn't stop me from being upset about it.

He was kind enough to recommend a new SD, a priest from another parish whom he thought would be a great match to my spiritual style.  I agreed reluctantly and I got in contact with "the new guy" I was just shocked at how quickly he was willing to "hand me over" to the next guide so to speak.  I mean it's over that quickly?  I was expecting the transition to be a more kinder process.

I thought I was so ready for religious life because I had mastered detachment, well it turned out that I was far from it.  Here I was preparing myself and my family for the time when they would say goodbye and I couldn't even manage to say goodbye to a SD that I saw once a month!   I see the new SD again in about three weeks and I am truly looking forward to it to see what God has in store for me.  The close of this chapter in my spiritual growth is a gentle reminder that I am not at all in control and that I need to continue to trust God.

Please pray for me because I truly want His will to be done.

Pax,
Hopeful

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Storm within

Hello Dear readers and happy summer.  It's been quite some time since I updated this blog and so much has happened; with me, my family and my future community.  It has all been chaotic to say the least (not necessarily a bad thing) and in the past few weeks the video below is a perfect summary of what I have been feeling.  Through it all I am fighting to remain faithful and keep continued trust in the Lord. 

Please keep me and all of those discerning the Lord's will in your prayers.

Until next time,
Hopeful

Friday, December 17, 2010

Making Him the focus

The Eucharist - Read and Understand the Gospel...Image by Michael 1952 via Flickr
You did not choose me, no, I chose you; and I commissioned you to go out and to bear fruit, fruit that will last; so that the Father will give you anything you ask him in my name.  John 15:16

I love seconds, whether it comes to food, engrossing myself in a book or watching a favorite movie.  The same is very true for the mass; I love the mass and always love seconds.  On Sundays I will sometimes return for the 7pm mass (the last mass of the day) or catch it the second time around on EWTN.  It is always interesting to hear different priests' homilies.  During the week, I attend mass on my way to work and would sometimes listen to the first mass of the day on EWTN hoping that a second homily will help me to better hear all the Lord has to tell me.

This morning, I rushed in church at the tail end of Monsignor Tugwell's short homily and was mentally regretting not being able to attend mass this afternoon (I am traveling to a weekend retreat)  On top of it all, I forgot my work laptop at home and had to go clear across town.  It was all I could do to stay focused on our Lord in the Eucharist.  As I was saying the Anima Christi after communion I started expressing to the Lord my gratitude for all of the graces He's bestowed on me.  All the while however, there was this weird lingering doubt in my mind over the fact that I couldn't do it and I was really starting to question whether my vocation to the religious life was genuinely from the Lord.

Well of course I couldn't do it, it's not I who does it it's the Lord.  I am merely an instrument which He uses for His Glory just like he used Our Lady.  At the time however, that was the last thing on my mind as I was so focused on myself and what I could or couldn't do.  Halfway through the drive back home to pick up my laptop I turned the radio back on (EWTN of course) and the Magnificat prayer was being said at the end of the Sonrise Morning Show.  I said it along with the prayer leader and started to realize that I was doing it again, making my call to religious about myself rather than about the Lord.  It is so easy to sometimes lose focus of the Lord in our day to day lives and I find it even worse when I lose focus of Him in the midst of my own discernment to religious life.

I turned off the radio after the prayer and started to think of the formation of a religious sister - this process can take years!  I kept pondering this as I carefully sped (oxymoron, I know) back to work.  The waves of doubt came back again: "what if I can't do it?" "I may not persevere" "What if the Lord is not calling me to live my years in this particular community"  All these questions in my head reminded me that I was not making the Lord my focus and that I needed to rely on Him now more than ever and would need to continue to do so especially during my formation years and the rest of my years as a sister.

I turned the radio back on and caught the reading of the Gospel (the Genealogy of Jesus) In his homily, Father Miguel pointed out that though Joseph was a just man and Mary born immaculate the genealogy of Jesus is not contained of all perfect people.  He pointed out Rahab, Ruth, Isaac, Jacob and other not so perfect members.  He drove home the point that in His divine logic, the Lord does not always choose the obvious ones.  "Peter denied Jesus three times and Paul persecuted the Church yet these two are pillars of the church" he reminded us.  With this he recalled John 15:16 "You did not choose me, no, I chose you; and I commissioned you to go out and to bear fruit, fruit that will last; so that the Father will give you anything you ask him in my name."  

This bit came at the perfect time since I was so focused on being perfect that I became more focused on myself more than Christ.  The Lord called me and He has reason for doing so, though I do not yet know why he chose a sinner like myself to use for His Glory, I must strive to remember that the choice was His.  Living according to the Lord does not mean striving to be perfect but rather striving to be pleasing to Him in all that we do.  We are called not to be perfect but to live holy lives; something I need to remind myself of every day.  Yes strive to love perfectly and to grow in the virtues but in trying to be the perfect human I find that I become more and more imperfect because I forget the most important thing: to focus on my beloved and to rely on Him and follow His Holy Will.  In doing this will I be a better me, a me more and more like him who was the perfect one.

As we approach the end of the Advent season I invite you to join me and making Christ our focus everyday.

Pax!
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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Marriage

On Saturday September 18th, I went home for a visit (well a celebration really)  My uncle was getting married.  He and his wife have been married civilly but decided to have their union blessed (Praise God)  During the Homily, I was soooo moved. the priest talked about the dedication and commitment it takes to make a marriage work and most importantly how it needs to be God-centered.  Somehow, I felt as if he were talking about me and my desired groom, Christ.  I felt a longing then that I had never felt and it was then that I truly realized that being a bride of Christ is real.


My sister always jokes with me in the worst Spanish accent ever that "you will never be a bride" and of course I reply yes I will, God willing and I will have the privilege of always wearing my bridal gown.  More and more I am realizing my heart wants nothing more than to belong to Christ, body mind and spirit.  I used to worry about the differences between a physical marriage and a spiritual marriage, between the physical motherhood and the spiritual one and I found myself asking "can I really do this?" I realize something, I can't, at least not by my own volition.  I do know though that with Him who strengthens me I can and if this is indeed the life that he is calling me to, I can do it.  I only pray that He continues to call me to Himself because the more I discover about the beauty of marriage, the more I want that marriage to be between myself and Christ.


Pax

Monday, September 13, 2010

My relationship status

So this past weekend, I had the privilege of serving as a chaperone for some of the youth in my parish who went to Rock the Universe.  I must say that the experience was just awesome (I will have to give it its on entry)  However, what struck me is the fact that I was asked if I was dating someone and the way I reacted to it took me by surprise.  I of course said yes because the way I see my relationship with Christ is just that, a dating relationship where I am getting to truly know Him and I am opening my heart to Him.  I want to one day be His spouse and I want to belong to Him - Mind, body and spirit.

What I felt when the question was asked of me was a bit of a hesitation, there was a reluctance on my part to admit that I was dating because then I would truly be committed.  I then realized that there was a tiny part of me that wanted to be available - for what though, I didn't know.  I felt like one of those girls who was ashamed of someone she was dating because of uncertainty or even possible reactions.  And then it dawned on me that I was not willing to commit to Him like I desired to be.  Here I am yearning everyday for the day I get that letter that puts me one step closer to being His, yet on the other hand I want to keep the fact that I yearn to be His bride a secret.  I also realized something at that point, we had a secret relationship (at least on my part) and the fact that this relationship was secret meant that I could not always be faithful to Him (something I desperately want to be) For that reason, I decided that I needed to recommit myself to Him, spending time with Him, following His life and leaning on Him more and more.

In any relationship, it can be hard to remain faithful and to give all of yourself to your another, that task is made even harder when one party will not fully admit to the relationship let along commit to it.  I had deluded myself into thinking that this relationship would not require much work on my part or not need much commitment from me.  However, I am seeing what can happen when I don't commit to Him fully and I do not want a secret relationship.  Instead, I want a relationship that announces itself so that everyone knows that yes I am dating and yes I am taken.  My heart belongs to Jesus Christ who loves me more than even I could begin to put into words and while I can't love Him a fraction of the way He loves me, I can try with all my heart.  I want to belong to Him and only Him for the rest of my life. 

Please pray for me as I fight to remain faithful to Him in my day to day living.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Knowing His will

A couple of weekends ago, I found myself questioning my desire and my love for the Lord, let me preclude by saying that I have been trying to finish this entry for some time now (since August 30th) and I find it hard to even articulate the detail my struggle - hard because there is so much that I would like to explain and also because I feel that admitting my struggles will somehow make it harder to deal with them.  It seems that on the one hand I desire nothing but to be totally and completely belonging to Jesus.  On the other hand, I am somewhat curious about the possibility of married life.  Although I must admit, the curiosity is not necessarily because I truly want to consider that vocation but primarily because I am being tempted in the worst possible way.  I am still questioning my vocation, not because I don't believe God is calling me but because I fear that I will forget to lean on him and will most surely fail in my journey.

I strongly believe that what I have been experiencing is nothing short of the evil one trying to lure me away, what scares me is that I am in danger of falling in his trap.  I pray to God to have the strength and the widsdom to call on him in my moments of weakness, I know what I must do yet lately I have felt powerless to do it.  I pray that I can remain rooted in prayer so that I may remain always and forever Christ's.

Please keep me in your prayers as I struggle during this time of Spiritual Warfare.

Saint Michael - Protect me!
Mary, Mother of the Church - Pray for me