The reality of entering

Hi there!  Yeah I'm still here.  I've been preparing for entrance by being as aggressive as I can with paying down my loans as well as being persistent in my fundraising efforts.  I was working on a dinner in which one of the sisters would give a talk but it looks like the dinner won't be happening anytime soon.  Initially I had planned on a dinner for October 22nd but with the need to get everything ready to enter as soon as possible, it does not look like I will be able to have a dinner any time soon.  I am hopeful though that I can fundraise enough to be ready for entrance.

In other news, my discernment is going as can be expected.  I went through a good week of anxiety and fear of the unknown shortly after I gave my boss official notice that I was leaving.  We both knew that I was leaving but giving her my letter of resignation made it all too real and I got the gist of what I was doing.  I didn't have any regrets or second thoughts but I didn't realize how much I needed to trust in the Lord as I continued to make steps to enter Religious Life.  

So these last few weeks have been a wave of emotions for me as I prepare to face the unknown.  I have  experienced true happiness and joy at the anticipation of my entrance and the beginning of a life lived in Community.  I have experienced anxiety when I think of the fact that I not only need to get additional items for my trousseau but also must be just about debt-free by the time I enter.  

Last night in Adoration, I told the Lord that I was going to spend the next hour with him in silence and I barely made it.  After about half an hour I wanted to pull out my rosary to pray the rosary and I just about did and I was reminded gently of my promise.  Fifteen minutes after that I wanted to pull out my book to do some spiritual reading; it wasn't until the last ten minutes of Adoration that I finally decided to stop and silence my heart and mind and hear the Lord.  

I have been soo looking forward to my entrance that I haven't been thinking too much about what it would be like.  Now that's it's approaching, I think about it more and more and I realize that I won't be visiting anymore and I keep thinking and worrying about that.  While I am exited on one hand, I can't help but be worried about "messing" up.  

I wonder if this is how a new bride feels after the wedding, when she and her groom are finally under one roof and she suddenly feels as though she is under a microscope.  I will never know since I have never been a new bride, but I do know that when I think of life in the convent I do feel as though it will be like living under a microscope; I don't want to "mess up" nor do I want to be unnatural.  I guess I need to continue to remind myself to just be myself, just as I was on my previous visits.  

I need your prayers now more than ever as I prepare for this very exciting and radical move especially as I work on eliminating my loans.  Please consider making a donation or inviting someone to donate to support my vocation.

May God Bless you always,

Hopeful

Take your cross and follow me

Today's Gospel Reading is a reminder for me of what it means to desire to follow Christ as a Religious.  I attended a day of prayer yesterday (Perfect way to begin the Lenten season) and Father's theme was all about the cross and its importance.  He reminded us that we need to embrace it or risk losing any accompanying graces.

Through prayer, I have discovered what my cross is.  I have a tendency to be closed off and be a bit unwilling to share of myself especially when it comes to my vocation.  Sure I'm sharing it via my blog but only under a pen name and behind an avatar.  For some reason I fear that if I expose all of me then I will be "naked" so to speak and I don't wish to be naked.  I am now realizing that the Lord is calling me to give up the comfort of being closed off.

I know and trust that the Lord will make my entrance this year a reality however I have realized that in order to this to become a reality I must do my part and "help" the Lord by sharing my journey openly.

This is truly going to be a task that I need to rely on your prayers for.  Please keep me in mind as you offer your Lenten sacrifices.  You shall continue to be in my prayers.

Pax,

Hopeful

Decisions Decisions

Lent is here and though I thought I was ready for my favorite Liturgical season I am finding out that I am not quite there.

I have been racking my brain over the past weeks trying to figure out what I must do for Lent and what I needed to "give up"  There were so many decisions to make.   In other news, I found out the decision of the MEFV board and I was not awarded a grant.  I don't take this to mean that I will not be able to enter this year, I take it to mean that I will have to trust the Lord to work out another way for me to enter this year.

I am currently visiting the sisters, no I am visiting my sisters and of course I took the opportunity to be here to speak to Mother.  We spoke for a couple of hours and it was really wonderful to be able to talk to her.  In the middle of our conversation SrMJ who was copied on the email came in and gave the news that the MEFV board was not able to award me a grant.  I took this opportunity to continue speaking to mother about one of the things I wished to do (which was to move closer to the sisters should I be unable to enter this year) we left it up to discuss in May after the Laboure Society makes their decision on grants.

In the meantime we discussed possible ways I can fundraise and I've got homework.  I got very excited at the prospect of working with my local Serra club for assistance in fundraising.  I also got the chance to speak to one of the Local Catholic bookstores in Spokane and the owner was gracious enough to allow me to put my rosaries in her shop as a way of fundraising.  I of course spoke with Mother who was definitely in agreement, so if you know anyone in the Spokane area direct them to ABBA's bookstore and invite them to support me and the sisters in my vocation journey.

Working out ways to make my entrance a possibility this year made me realize what I needed to work on giving up.  It is not something tangible but it has been a big obstacle for me, it has even been the cause of me not being able to grow in some of the virtues I so desperately want to grow in.  The big monster I am speaking of is PRIDE, I have been telling myself that the reason I am not too forward about asking for donations is because I am worried about folks who are struggling.  The fact is (as I am often being told and I keep conveniently forgetting) many catholics want the opportunity to support vocations in the Church.  Due to my pride I have decided on my own not to even give them that opportunity because I either don't want to share my story or decide they won't receive me in a positive way.  I've realized that in either case I would be in good company.  Jesus Himself wasn't well received by his own townsmen! so who am I to be apprehensive about that?  The face to face meetings that I have had have proved to me that I've been wrong about my worries and I only need to be open and willing to share myself with others and give them an opportunity to help me in any way their station in life allows them to.  Perhaps all one person can do for me is pray but it is also possible that another can give $5 while another can give $20 or another $80.  

A perfect example is a parishioner who asked me to fix his rosary, of course I didn't intend to charge him anything but the cost of the materials.  Well He wrote me a check for $80!  Now had I been planning a meeting with him, I would have been reluctant to because my pride would have had me convincing myself that he has little ones and therefore should not be bothered by me asking for a donation.  In speaking to him he openly answered "I only wish I could do more" If only he realized what he had done.  He has opened my eyes to my issue of pride and reluctance to share my journey.

As a religious you do not belong to yourself; you belong to the Christ, His Church and His people.  I am perfectly willing to belong to Christ and His people and I know that will be my life as a religious.  In keeping with my desire to live my vocation now, I must therefore be willing and open to sharing my life with Christ's people today.

Please keep me in your prayers this Lenten season.  This task will be hard and I know only with the Lord's grace will I be able to do it.  I entrust it all to Him and I ask Him for a converted heart that I my replace my pride with true humility.

Pax,

Hopeful

Update on my meeting

I got to Orlando at about 4:15 and barely had time to inhale my food and relax. Mom and I left the house at about 4:45 and we were there before 4:50 (I'm telling you right down the street) When we got there the receptionist told us that Father was running behind and would see us as soon as he could. We waited until about 5:50 to be seen. While I was waiting, I pulled out my little book of prayers and said a prayer of abandonment as well as a quick little prayer to my guardian Angel. I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me and help me to be open and humble enough to lay it all out and not be afraid to wholeheartedly ask Father for some help.

As I walked in he asked me how he could help me; I gave him a quick background as far as how long I had been discerning and that I was accepted to enter this year but had to wait until next year. He asked me how much I owe and I told him, he then did this number ... Then he asked how much was it before and I told him; so he did THIS number  I told him that I was looking to see if the parish could work with me on a dinner or if the Serra club or K of C could help financially with my loans. He asked about the community and of course I told him (I happened to have had a copy of one of their newsletters with me so I gave that to him)

I told him that any way they can help me would be great (either a financial contribution from the parish, the Serra club or K of C, a parishioner/business owner or something like that) He said that they would definitely be able to help and are willing to help. He said that he would take it to the finance committee at the next meeting and they would decide how much they can contribute.

He has asked me to write him a letter that he can take to the committee with him. I told him I would share my vocation story with them and information on my debt. He's also asked me to provide him with contact information for the community.

I am exhausted right now so I am going to lay down for a quick nap and then I am going to start writing my letter to give to mom so that she can deliver to the office first thing tomorrow.

I don't know what the Lord has in store but I have never felt so hopeful regarding my student loans before.

Please pray for me that the Holy Spirit continues to inspire and guide me.

Pax,
Hopeful 

Fundraising News

I posted this in a post on Phatmass but I realize some of my readers may not be on there and might not be able to give some feedback so I'm posting here as well.

Today at about 11:30 I will be getting on the road to drive four hours to Orlando (where my parents live) to meet with the pastor from my old parish to discuss possible financial assistance.  This meeting has been in the making for about 3 months now and I cannot wait. I am anxious and nervous and scared and excited and everything you can possibly think of.

My dear sweet mother spoke to Fr briefly about him helping me and he was open to the idea and asked to meet with me and talk to me.  I am hoping that at the very least father is able to help me get in touch with some donors who are able and open to assist young vocations in the church.  

I have realized that it takes complete and utter trust in the Lord in order to truly lay it all out and rely on others' kindness and open heart.   Please pray that the Lord continues to guide me and that I continue to grow in humility and trust in Him.  I am thinking that I might also speak to father about organizing a dinner down there or even some kind of pledge drive to work with donors who might want to pledge some monthly contributions to my loans.  I found out that I would be able to enter even if my loans were not completely paid off, as long as they were pledged for (so let us pray for that)

I meet with father at 5pm so I hope it all goes well and that I have a safe drive (I have to drive back to Tally after the meeting because I teach tomorrow)  This is going to mean missing my standing meeting with my Spiritual Director today but I am trusting that it is all for the best.

I have never had such an important meeting in my life.  This is my plan

• Arrive by about 4:00 (go home, change real quickly and eat something)
• Go visit Christ in chapel (the church is litterally down the street from me so.... - and they have adoration till evening mass!!   )
• meet with father and discuss the following
  
  
  • Getting financial assistance from parish if possible
  • Working with Serra Club and K of C to put together a dinner of some sorts or get some kind of sponsorship
  • Work with them to do a pledge drive or a fundraising drive.

Do you guys have any other ideas of what I should talk about or how to say these things?  I am sooo afraid that I will get too nervous to remember anything.  I am getting really nervous now just thinking about it. (maybe I should bring my notebook)

In other news.........

(drum roll please)

I have managed to get my loans to under $50,000.00  Actually with fundraising from rosaries, my dinner and other in kind donations, it is almost at $46,000  (which is a HUGE deal - I mean I didn't think it would ever get below $50,000 so soon and now it might be possible to get it below $40,000 before the year is out) Thank you all so very much for your prayers, your contributions and your words of encouragement.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I continue to keep you in mine.  I will be sure to give as detailed of an update as I can when I return.

Pax,

Hopeful

Using alternative means

After hours of reading on how to do it I managed to get a Donate button on my blog.  Though my entrance to the SMMCs is almost a year away, I am doing all I can now to reduce my loans.  I have been very aggressive in my repayment efforts and have managed to get the amount under $50,000.00 which is a very BIG accomplishment.  I am hoping to completely eliminate the remaining amount in time to enter (I definitely need your help for this).  I don't quite know how but I fully trust that I will enter in due time.

I knew that my student loans would be an impediment to entrance from the moment I started my discernment but yet I had this trust in the Lord that held me from worrying about it.  This trust allowed me to move forward in my discernment in order to be open to God's will for me.  However, as I got closer to finding a community and making necessary preparations I realized that trust alone would not be enough to eliminate my loans.  I would also need to work harder at getting rid of those loans.

It has taken me great humility and even greater trust in the Lord to do what must be done and to ask the faithful for their help in living out my fiat.  I continue to be amazed by the wonderful graces that the Lord has afforded me, He has been sooo wonderful to me in a way that I surely don't deserve.  I continue to ask for your prayers as I look to the day when I will get to fully live out my vocation.

Please consider making a donation as you are able (no matter how small) and/or sharing this post with three (or more) friends/family members.  If you know anyone in your parish, work or school who is open to supporting vocations in the church, please share with them.

I continue to hold you all in my prayers and beg your continues prayers.  

In Christ Our Hope,

Hopeful

A Plea for help

Today’s post is not going to be my usual ramblings and random thoughts but rather a plea for your assistance. Please pass this along to your friends, family and even your parish family to help me make my entrance to the SMMC a reality.

I have sold my car in an effort to maximize the amount of money I put toward my student loans and I have been making and selling rosaries at my local catholic store in an effort to raise more funds. Unfortunately I need to do even more in order to make my entrance to my future community a reality. Thankfully, the Labouré Society is working with me and I plan on applying to the Mater Ecclesiae Fund for Vocations for assistance.

The Mater Ecclesiae Fund for Vocations is a non-profit organization that helps those entering religious life pay their student loan debt, this is a grant program that relies heavily on donations and as such they cannot help everyone; last year I applied and could not be granted due to the heavy demands.  I am going to reapply again and hope to be selected as a grantee; In addition to the amount of debt an applicant has, one aspect they look at is how active the applicant is in helping themselves.

This is where you can help! I am looking for as many folks who are able to donate here in my name! ANY amount is perfect, $1, $5, $10, $100 or whatever you can do! If you are not able to help, please pass this on and ask your friends and family to pass it on to whomever they know of who wish to support vocations in the Church.  In addition to asking for you financial support, I beg your continued prayers as I continue my walk with God.

If you can think of any other resource that I might look into for further assistance, please leave me a comment or send me an email with some additional information.  I am trying to get some assistance from my local K of C and Serra club.  Unfortunately there is not much they can do financially but they have promised to help with fundraising by assisting with dinners etc.  Thank you for your time and prayers! Remember, donations to the Labouré Society are tax deductible.  If you wish to donate, please Click here now to do so! Don’t forget to put my name, Dyna in the comments section!

If you want to learn more about my journey, you can read my vocation story by clicking here. I am also selling handmade rosaries online; if you wish to buy something instead of/in addition to giving you can do so by going to my website, Inspired Treasures.

God Bless you and your family!

Hopeful

To make a donation in my name, visit: http://labouresociety.org/options/ 

To read my vocation story visit:  This link

To purchase one of my rosaries or: www.rosarieschaplets.com

To learn about the Labouré Society visit: http://labouresociety.org/

To learn more about the MEFV visit: http://fundforvocations.org/

To learn about the SMMC visit: www.sistersofmarymc.org  

Self-Inflicted Frustration

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I am going on my 4th year at my job and for the past year and a  half, without fail whenever this time of year comes up (well truthfully this happens at the beginning/end of every semester) I find myself growing more and  more frustrated with having to wait to enter the convent.  My frustration not only comes from the fact that I have a longing to start living my yes but also from a "enough of this already" mentality.  I want to be done with the "my professor is unfair", "It's not my fault I failed my math class" and all the other day to day dealings.  I usually spend a week or two being so frustrated at every little thing that I sometimes become pretty much impossible to deal with because I am too busy throwing myself a pity party for one.  Weeks later I will reflect on it and realize that I should have accepted the here and now and recognize the Lord speaking to me. 

This frustration comes from a lot of different places, it comes from my eagerness and true desire to begin life as a religious, to begin doing everything for Him alone (and then of course I realize I can start living my life for Him alone in my day-to-day dealings); my extremely impatient nature, the fear of not being able to protect my vocation any longer (I think that is my biggest fear - I feel this urgency to enter now in order not to "lose" my vocation.)  Looking at my track record with relationships I now see I am a commitment-phobe and though at the beginning of my discernment I was ready to jump all in I am now afraid I will not be able to fully commit to the Lord; and then there is the fact that I just don't want to wait anymore.  Though a part of me wanted to enter last year, I made the decision to wait because I felt that I wasn't spiritually ready.  I couldn't wait for August 22, 2011 I was even counting down!  And then I met with Mother and we both decided waiting until August 22, 2012 will be best.  Yes I trust the Lord's timing but sometimes it can be hard to wake up everyday trusting the Lord when it feels like the one thing you want, the one thing you are called to be is getting further and further away.   

Then I start to think about these "obstacles" and depending on my mood I either look at it as an opportunity to persevere and fight for my vocation or I see it as an indication that perhaps my commitment issues might get in the way of my persevering.  This starts the frustration process all over again because then I start to want to enter immediately in an effort to squash these fears before I get in my way.  Of course I recognize that I am not able to persevere on my own but that is usually down the road after freaking myself out ten times over.

This morning as I pulled in the parking lot I started thinking about this cycle of frustration, of feeling like I have had enough of this job already and then I realized that Jesus had to wait waaaay longer than I did.  I mean the man was preaching and teaching others at the age of 12 so obviously he was ready.  Yet he had to wait more than a decade before beginning his ministry because following and adhering to the Father's timing was more important.  In His infinite wisdom God the Father wanted to truly prepare Christ for his ministry.  Whatever the Lord is calling me to be - In what way is he is calling me to live as a religious? - I am realizing I am still not ready to fully live it out.  I really need to continue to  remember that; deep down I know the wait doesn't have much to do with commitment issues or "tests"  I know it is another opportunity for the Lord to continue to shower me with graces and blessings because He's been doing just that; most importantly it is a time of preparation, deep preparation for whatever He is calling me to.  Sadly, I have a tendency to give in to the negative thinking at the beginning and then start spiraling down before catching myself halfway through.

I thank the Lord for giving me the grace to realize what is going on and I know I need to double my prayers and lean on Him even more but that can get really hard to do at times.  I wonder if this is how my sister-in-law feels when my brother goes on deployment for 7 months at a time.  Deep down knowing you will be with the one you love but sometimes losing hope and starting to despair.  I definitely sympathize with military families in a way I never had before.  Please keep me in your prayers that I lean on the Lord even more during these times of "testing".

Pax,
Hopeful

Do not Worry about tomorrow

I have been really bad at keeping this blog updated; so much has happened since my last post.  I had a wonderful opportunity to serve as a chaperonne for the IHS (In His Steps) youth group in my area and the mountains of Georgia (where we went) only made me miss my sisters even more.  I cannot wait for the day when I can begin formation.

Just a bit of a recap, I received my formal acceptance from Mother Kathryn and I am just over the moon.  It's one thing to know of my acceptance, it's another to actually get the letter in hand with a date to boot!  I am accepted as a candidate for the class of August 2012.  I just pray that I am able to actually enter this year, I do know though that if I must wait until next year it is because the Lord wills it.  I only hope I continue to be open to the graces He bestows on me and continue to grow spiritually. 

I have heard from the Mater Ecclesiae foundation and I was not selected for a grant.  However, I am able to re-apply (more details will come from them later).  It is strange though that I feel this calm and peace about not receiving the grant.  I have this trust in the Lord that He will provide for me in His own time.  I know this sounds cheesy but as much as I try to worry about the MEFV's decision, I am comforted by my trust in His Divine Providence. 

So now it is Sunday February 27th and I am counting down the days until I get to see my sisters and spend my birthday with them.  I am so grateful for this opportunity; it has been almost a year since I last saw them, how time flies!  I get to speak with Mother Kathryn about the details of my entrance and I am trusting it all in His hands.

In light of what has been going on with me, I found today's gospel to be very fitting.  It was another reminder that I needn't worry about when I will enter and how I will manage to pay off my student loans.  Right now, my only focus needs to be growing in the virtues, in closeness to our Our Lady and Christ Himself.  It is just amazing how the Lord speaks to us when we need to hear Him the most.  I pray that I continue to trust in His Providence and continue to lay my worries at His feet.

Please keep my in your prayers as I shall continue to keep you in mine.

In Christ, our Hope
Hopeful 

Waiting... and Trusting

About a month ago I submitted my paperwork requesting entrance to the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Church.  I have been working very hard at not paying attention to the time and trusting that the Lord will do it all in His time.  However, this task has proven to be just very difficult; I am trying quite hard to fight the urge to call and to inquire about the receipt of my documents and when I can expect a response.  Obedience is something I am learning to practice more and more daily.  As the prophet Samuel said to Saul "To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed better than the fat of rams" 1 Samuel 15:22. 

I have also applied for the MEFV and currently working with the Labouré Society for assistance in eliminating my student debt; I find that I'm overcome by a fear so great that it is sometimes painful to think of the future.  I fear that I may not be able to give my life to the Lord due to my financial obstacles.  I know these fears are due to a lack of utter trust in the Lord.  However, try as I might I cannot totally trust the Lord to take care of these obstacles.  This doubt in the Lord pains me even more so than my fear of not being able to truly be His and give my life for Him. 

When I started my discernment process, it seemed that I had all of the trust and none of the patience.  I remember begging the Lord to show me to tell me ASAP whether or not He was calling me and to show me in lightening speed what it is that He had planned for me.  What never worried me was my student debt; I always felt and trusted that if the Lord was calling me to Him my financial obstacles meant nothing.

Daily I find myself asking the Lord to take away my doubt and to help me to remain faithful to Him and to continue to trust.  I pray the Blessed Mother along with St. Michael can help me fight the devil's attempts to divert me from the Lord.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I strive each day to be Obedient to the Lord's timing and to trust in Him more and more.

Application Status

Ok so I just went in for the follow up to my Psychological Evaluation and the report that I expected to be completed next week was actually typed up and is faxed, Praise God!  So now, I just need to wait until mother reviews my application.  I am so thankful to all of you who have kept me in your prayers.  Know that you too shall continue to be in mine.

I am now preparing to complete the application for the Mater Ecclesiae fund for vocations, I am trying to trust in the Lord's providence.  I know His timing may not necessarily be the same as mine, I just hope I can accept it.

Pax,
HB

A little bit on my journey

Still trying to get the hang of this; I am new at this and am not sure what to do.  I'll just speak a bit about myself, I am a hopeful SSMC and pray that God leads me to that community.  I am currently in the process of requesting entrance and pray that it is God's will that I become a sister.  This has been a desire that He has placed in my heart for some time now.  However, in the past 2 years or so, I feel like He has confirmed my vocation.  If however he calls me elsewhere, I am open to that as well.  

I have had some wonderful experiences in the last couple of years that has led me to be so much more open to the Lord's will.  I ask that you please pray with me as I continue this journey to follow him.

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