God qualifies the called

This past June, I accompanied our Middle School youth group to covecrest along with some parents and two other core team members.  Like the year before, I fully expected the kids to get a boatload out of it and of course they did.  What I forgot was how much I would benefit from it.  I was so focused on making sure the kids allowed the Holy Spirit to transform them that I didn't worry about the Holy Spirit transforming me.

During that wonderful week there, I came face to face with myself; my fears, my shortcomings and my self-inflicted obstacles. I was so aware of how not worthy that I was for the call to Religious Life that I found myself asking God if He was sure. I honestly wanted and needed an explanation as to why our wise Lord would choose an undeserving sinner like me to live on this path to Holiness. This brought me great sadness and it troubled me greatly. It wasn't until Thursday (camp was from Monday - Saturday) that I finally stopped to focus on how unworthy I was but rather on how wonderful and merciful our Lord was. Father Rob (bless His heart) kept reassuring the teens that they were wonderful and they were definitely worthy of the Lord's love.

That evening I went to chapel for evening prayer and as I sat there, reading psalm 139 I couldn't help but sob uncontrollably. That psalm always have that effect on me for some weird reason. I started to realize that the Lord knew me much more than I knew myself and if He saw fit to call me to this life then I should embrace it and Him. The next day we celebrated the feast of St. Peter and Paul (how fitting was that?) I remember clearly how father Rob reminded the kids that "today is the Feast day for anyone who's ever messed up" he also reminded all of us not to struggle with our shortcomings because "God does not call the qualified, but He qualifies the called" It meant so much to me to hear that especially due to the struggles I was having earlier in the week.

I wrote that little sentence down in one of my notebooks and I kept reminding myself that God didn't call me because I'm the best person for the job and the most perfect one out there. He called me because out of my weaknesses, my failures he can bring about something beautiful. Early on in my discernment St. Paul and St. Peter were great examples to me of how much one does not need to be perfect. Then of course I remembered David and I realized that I was in "good company" with my less than perfect ways. Years later, I stumbled onto St. Augustine and St. Monica and I found a kindred spirit (oddly enough in both of them) I see how much this wonderful saint loved Our Lord and had such compunction for his shortcomings and all I can think of is how wonderful. Someone who definitely was not perfect but who through the prayers of His mother and through the Lord's grace became a saint.

Today, as we celebrate the feast of one of my most loved saints, I invite you to remember that we are called to strive for perfection but that doesn't mean that we are discounted if we are not there yet. All we need is to be sincere in our desire for the Lord and do our best to overcome our shortcomings. St. Augustine recognized his sinfulness but then gave it all to the Lord and allowed Him to transform his heart. I beg the prayers of this wise saint along with that of his mother everyday and I know they are storming heaven for me.

In celebrating the feast of St. Augustine today, remember that God qualifies the called; and so if you let Him, He will prepare you for whatever wonderful thing He has planned for you.

Happy feast day of St. Augustine,
Hopeful

Support a vocation to Religious Life

The reality of entering

Hi there!  Yeah I'm still here.  I've been preparing for entrance by being as aggressive as I can with paying down my loans as well as being persistent in my fundraising efforts.  I was working on a dinner in which one of the sisters would give a talk but it looks like the dinner won't be happening anytime soon.  Initially I had planned on a dinner for October 22nd but with the need to get everything ready to enter as soon as possible, it does not look like I will be able to have a dinner any time soon.  I am hopeful though that I can fundraise enough to be ready for entrance.

In other news, my discernment is going as can be expected.  I went through a good week of anxiety and fear of the unknown shortly after I gave my boss official notice that I was leaving.  We both knew that I was leaving but giving her my letter of resignation made it all too real and I got the gist of what I was doing.  I didn't have any regrets or second thoughts but I didn't realize how much I needed to trust in the Lord as I continued to make steps to enter Religious Life.  

So these last few weeks have been a wave of emotions for me as I prepare to face the unknown.  I have  experienced true happiness and joy at the anticipation of my entrance and the beginning of a life lived in Community.  I have experienced anxiety when I think of the fact that I not only need to get additional items for my trousseau but also must be just about debt-free by the time I enter.  

Last night in Adoration, I told the Lord that I was going to spend the next hour with him in silence and I barely made it.  After about half an hour I wanted to pull out my rosary to pray the rosary and I just about did and I was reminded gently of my promise.  Fifteen minutes after that I wanted to pull out my book to do some spiritual reading; it wasn't until the last ten minutes of Adoration that I finally decided to stop and silence my heart and mind and hear the Lord.  

I have been soo looking forward to my entrance that I haven't been thinking too much about what it would be like.  Now that's it's approaching, I think about it more and more and I realize that I won't be visiting anymore and I keep thinking and worrying about that.  While I am exited on one hand, I can't help but be worried about "messing" up.  

I wonder if this is how a new bride feels after the wedding, when she and her groom are finally under one roof and she suddenly feels as though she is under a microscope.  I will never know since I have never been a new bride, but I do know that when I think of life in the convent I do feel as though it will be like living under a microscope; I don't want to "mess up" nor do I want to be unnatural.  I guess I need to continue to remind myself to just be myself, just as I was on my previous visits.  

I need your prayers now more than ever as I prepare for this very exciting and radical move especially as I work on eliminating my loans.  Please consider making a donation or inviting someone to donate to support my vocation.

May God Bless you always,

Hopeful

The gift of the cross

When we are in the midst of carrying our cross we are never willing to embrace it nor do we open our eyes to its beauty or the graces that can flow from it.  More than once I have found myself asking God why can't he give me an easy button in the form of a wealthy and willing donor who wants to help me live my vocation.  I know however that the journey that I have been on over the past couple of years has been for my benefit and the benefit of those I have and will continue to come across.

I am so grateful for this Lent but I am also in a way struggling to embrace it.  I heard someone say that each Lent should be the best Lent we've ever had.  Well I can honestly say that though this Lent is proving to be the hardest for me spiritually, it is also shaping to be the best Lent that I have ever had.

As I prepared to begin the season I began to see that the Lord's will for me this Lent would be to take up my own cross, rather embrace it and follow Him.  I don't know how many times I begged the Lord to let me suffer like Him, to let me come close to experiencing what he had.  I have on occasion been a bit jealous of James Caviezel because I feel that in the making of The Passion of the Christ he got to experience a fraction of what Our Lord went through.  I know that I am not able to endure what the Lord endured but I have come to realize that I am to embrace my own cross and endure whatever suffering the Lord sees fit to gift me with.

My suffering has always been the fact that I am very private (who knew?) about my discernment.  Many of the folks in my life are not aware of it and neither are some of my family members.  It is because I fear rejection from them and a lack of understanding about this call from God.  However, despite myself I have come to embrace that fact and I am fighting to be more open, to share my story to those who ask and to not be shy about telling others about my future.  Usually when I'm asked about children or a husband I tend to smile, nod and give some generic answer.  Lately, however I've been owning up to the fact that I am in fact discerning and I freely share my story to those who inquire.

A couple of weeks ago, I was speaking to my adoration partner and she asked me if I had children, I replied in the negative and she asked about a boyfriend/husband.  An hour later, I had told her my discernment story and she shared with me the story of her aunt the Benedictine nun and of her uncle the priest.  We truly connected and I must say it felt great to share my story with someone and connect with them.

Today, she told me that she wanted to give me a gift (a 1962 missal - the very one that is needed by a new SMMC postulant!!) I was absolutely overjoyed and couldn't believe it.  I had been her partner for about a year and had not said more than hello to her and now two weeks after our chat and learning of my pending entrance, she wanted to help me with my list.

Time and time again I'm told that people would welcome to the opportunity to help me live my vocation but yet there is a fear that keeps me closed off.  It keeps me locked up and unable to share, fearing the rejection fearing that I will "put them out".  Over the last couple of weeks the Lord has been guiding me and showering me with more graces that I could ask for.  The average person might not think much of these small confirmations but for me, the reluctant one they are just the thing to get me going on my path to embrace my cross.  I am allowing myself to accept this cross and to let go of my tendency to be closed off and private about my vocation and instead share it with those who the Lord is asking me to share it with.

Thank you for all of the prayers; I ask for your continued prayers as I navigate this Lent.  Know that you are all in my prayers as well.

United in Christ,
Hopeful

The benefits of waiting

In just four months, my nephew will be three years old.  This had me thinking about my journey a bit and the time I have spent trying to discern the Lord's will; it has been 40 months since I started my discernment, 32 months since I started looking at communities, 25 months since I found out about the SMMCs, 17 months since I first visited them, 14 months since I started the application process and 6 months since I received my letter of acceptance from Mother.  I guess you want to know the point of all of this rambling about how long I have been discerning.

I am sure you guys have read about my struggles and doubts when it comes to trusting God and letting him take control of my vocation.  It comes from nothing but frustration and unfortunately this frustration has led me to be careless and not care to guard my heart or my vocation.  Lately I have been putting my prayers on the back burner not because of lack of time but because of a lack of motivation.  

Today's gospel reading about the canaanite woman and the subsequent Homily by Father moved me to tears as I was reminded that I am not willing to wait, I'm not willing to persevere for my vocation.  Here is this woman who clearly was ignored after her first request and yet she persisted! She trusted in the Lord.  Even when the Apostles wanted her gone, she kept her gaze on one thing....Christ.  And she trusted that he would answer.  The ironic thing is that I've asked and begged to suffer with my Lord because I wanted to feel as close to what he felt as I could.  Now however, I can't seem to do it; I've read stories of saints who were tested by Novice Mistresses, superiors and even Spiritual Directors to help "weed out" the weak so to speak.  I always thought that I would happily bear these things because I am grateful the Lord has called me.  Unfortunately I am letting my frustration about having to wait affect my relationship with the Lord.

The truth is there are plenty of benefits to waiting and I know darn well that there are.  First - a selfish and very silly benefit (I get to see my little sister graduate from Dental Hygiene school) second - I might get to see my brother get married (let us hope) third - I get to grow closer to Lord, to the Blessed Mother and I get to mature emotionally and spiritually fourth - I get to truly live out my yes and get to see constant reminders that the Lord sought out my heart and my yes.  He pursued me and he courted me I mean what more could a girl want?  I mean the list goes on and on and on; I could list a lot of things that I find to be benefits of waiting.  However, the sad fact is... as someone who has bought into the "I want it now" way of things and want to live out my yes today.  It could also be that August 22nd is fast approaching and that was to be my entrance date.

As much as I have "suffered" through having to wait yet another year before I could begin formation, I must say that I am truly growing to appreciate the fact that I am called more and more.  I cannot wait until the day I can enter and know that I am living all of my days with complete abandon.  However, I must be honest and admit that I do find it hard to read news of young postulants becoming novices and novices taking first vows without felling a twinge of despair.  

I went to confession today because of these very issues and all of a sudden the light bulb came on.  I realized that I've been acting like a frustrated girlfriend.  I have been mad at having to wait and have tried to take things into my own hands.  This has resulted in me doing nothing but hurting myself, using others and in turn hurting them in order to deal with my frustrations.  I know there are even more great things to come from waiting, from this time of preparation but yet I am unwilling to wait, to trust and to love.  Mind you this unwillingness does not come from the fact that I not want things to happen in God's time but it is because I am scared, scared that this life that the Lord is calling me to right now might not be the life he is calling me to for the rest of my life.

Just as a bride must wait for her bridegroom so I must
 wait for the time I am to be received by my bridegroom and I must trust in his love for me, in his ability to provide for me and most of all in his commitment to me.  At times I feel like a young woman who accepted a proposal of marriage in a moment of bliss, of pure love; only to be faced with the reality of what it takes to make a relationship, a marriage work.  At that hint of reality, I find that I am questioning the one person whom I trusted above all things, the one person that I promised myself to - My intended.  I pray that I go to that moment of bliss, that moment when I screamed yes with all of my heart every day, so that I may remember that this relationship, despite my uncertainty, my fears and my frustration is built to last.

Prayers please for myself and for all of discerning young women who might find themselves having similar feelings.

In Christ our love,

Hopeful

Self-Inflicted Frustration

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I am going on my 4th year at my job and for the past year and a  half, without fail whenever this time of year comes up (well truthfully this happens at the beginning/end of every semester) I find myself growing more and  more frustrated with having to wait to enter the convent.  My frustration not only comes from the fact that I have a longing to start living my yes but also from a "enough of this already" mentality.  I want to be done with the "my professor is unfair", "It's not my fault I failed my math class" and all the other day to day dealings.  I usually spend a week or two being so frustrated at every little thing that I sometimes become pretty much impossible to deal with because I am too busy throwing myself a pity party for one.  Weeks later I will reflect on it and realize that I should have accepted the here and now and recognize the Lord speaking to me. 

This frustration comes from a lot of different places, it comes from my eagerness and true desire to begin life as a religious, to begin doing everything for Him alone (and then of course I realize I can start living my life for Him alone in my day-to-day dealings); my extremely impatient nature, the fear of not being able to protect my vocation any longer (I think that is my biggest fear - I feel this urgency to enter now in order not to "lose" my vocation.)  Looking at my track record with relationships I now see I am a commitment-phobe and though at the beginning of my discernment I was ready to jump all in I am now afraid I will not be able to fully commit to the Lord; and then there is the fact that I just don't want to wait anymore.  Though a part of me wanted to enter last year, I made the decision to wait because I felt that I wasn't spiritually ready.  I couldn't wait for August 22, 2011 I was even counting down!  And then I met with Mother and we both decided waiting until August 22, 2012 will be best.  Yes I trust the Lord's timing but sometimes it can be hard to wake up everyday trusting the Lord when it feels like the one thing you want, the one thing you are called to be is getting further and further away.   

Then I start to think about these "obstacles" and depending on my mood I either look at it as an opportunity to persevere and fight for my vocation or I see it as an indication that perhaps my commitment issues might get in the way of my persevering.  This starts the frustration process all over again because then I start to want to enter immediately in an effort to squash these fears before I get in my way.  Of course I recognize that I am not able to persevere on my own but that is usually down the road after freaking myself out ten times over.

This morning as I pulled in the parking lot I started thinking about this cycle of frustration, of feeling like I have had enough of this job already and then I realized that Jesus had to wait waaaay longer than I did.  I mean the man was preaching and teaching others at the age of 12 so obviously he was ready.  Yet he had to wait more than a decade before beginning his ministry because following and adhering to the Father's timing was more important.  In His infinite wisdom God the Father wanted to truly prepare Christ for his ministry.  Whatever the Lord is calling me to be - In what way is he is calling me to live as a religious? - I am realizing I am still not ready to fully live it out.  I really need to continue to  remember that; deep down I know the wait doesn't have much to do with commitment issues or "tests"  I know it is another opportunity for the Lord to continue to shower me with graces and blessings because He's been doing just that; most importantly it is a time of preparation, deep preparation for whatever He is calling me to.  Sadly, I have a tendency to give in to the negative thinking at the beginning and then start spiraling down before catching myself halfway through.

I thank the Lord for giving me the grace to realize what is going on and I know I need to double my prayers and lean on Him even more but that can get really hard to do at times.  I wonder if this is how my sister-in-law feels when my brother goes on deployment for 7 months at a time.  Deep down knowing you will be with the one you love but sometimes losing hope and starting to despair.  I definitely sympathize with military families in a way I never had before.  Please keep me in your prayers that I lean on the Lord even more during these times of "testing".

Pax,
Hopeful

Making Him the focus

Image by Michael 1952 via Flickr

You did not choose me, no, I chose you; and I commissioned you to go out and to bear fruit, fruit that will last; so that the Father will give you anything you ask him in my name.  John 15:16

I love seconds, whether it comes to food, engrossing myself in a book or watching a favorite movie.  The same is very true for the mass; I love the mass and always love seconds.  On Sundays I will sometimes return for the 7pm mass (the last mass of the day) or catch it the second time around on EWTN.  It is always interesting to hear different priests' homilies.  During the week, I attend mass on my way to work and would sometimes listen to the first mass of the day on EWTN hoping that a second homily will help me to better hear all the Lord has to tell me.

This morning, I rushed in church at the tail end of Monsignor Tugwell's short homily and was mentally regretting not being able to attend mass this afternoon (I am traveling to a weekend retreat)  On top of it all, I forgot my work laptop at home and had to go clear across town.  It was all I could do to stay focused on our Lord in the Eucharist.  As I was saying the Anima Christi after communion I started expressing to the Lord my gratitude for all of the graces He's bestowed on me.  All the while however, there was this weird lingering doubt in my mind over the fact that I couldn't do it and I was really starting to question whether my vocation to the religious life was genuinely from the Lord.

Well of course I couldn't do it, it's not I who does it it's the Lord.  I am merely an instrument which He uses for His Glory just like he used Our Lady.  At the time however, that was the last thing on my mind as I was so focused on myself and what I could or couldn't do.  Halfway through the drive back home to pick up my laptop I turned the radio back on (EWTN of course) and the Magnificat prayer was being said at the end of the Sonrise Morning Show.  I said it along with the prayer leader and started to realize that I was doing it again, making my call to religious about myself rather than about the Lord.  It is so easy to sometimes lose focus of the Lord in our day to day lives and I find it even worse when I lose focus of Him in the midst of my own discernment to religious life.

I turned off the radio after the prayer and started to think of the formation of a religious sister - this process can take years!  I kept pondering this as I carefully sped (oxymoron, I know) back to work.  The waves of doubt came back again: "what if I can't do it?" "I may not persevere" "What if the Lord is not calling me to live my years in this particular community"  All these questions in my head reminded me that I was not making the Lord my focus and that I needed to rely on Him now more than ever and would need to continue to do so especially during my formation years and the rest of my years as a sister.

I turned the radio back on and caught the reading of the Gospel (the Genealogy of Jesus) In his homily, Father Miguel pointed out that though Joseph was a just man and Mary born immaculate the genealogy of Jesus is not contained of all perfect people.  He pointed out Rahab, Ruth, Isaac, Jacob and other not so perfect members.  He drove home the point that in His divine logic, the Lord does not always choose the obvious ones.  "Peter denied Jesus three times and Paul persecuted the Church yet these two are pillars of the church" he reminded us.  With this he recalled John 15:16 "You did not choose me, no, I chose you; and I commissioned you to go out and to bear fruit, fruit that will last; so that the Father will give you anything you ask him in my name."  

This bit came at the perfect time since I was so focused on being perfect that I became more focused on myself more than Christ.  The Lord called me and He has reason for doing so, though I do not yet know why he chose a sinner like myself to use for His Glory, I must strive to remember that the choice was His.  Living according to the Lord does not mean striving to be perfect but rather striving to be pleasing to Him in all that we do.  We are called not to be perfect but to live holy lives; something I need to remind myself of every day.  Yes strive to love perfectly and to grow in the virtues but in trying to be the perfect human I find that I become more and more imperfect because I forget the most important thing: to focus on my beloved and to rely on Him and follow His Holy Will.  In doing this will I be a better me, a me more and more like him who was the perfect one.

As we approach the end of the Advent season I invite you to join me and making Christ our focus everyday.

Pax!

The Virtue of Patience

It's been over a week since my last post and with things being so busy at work the time has flown by.  However, it has not gone by fast enough for me to lose sight of the fact that I am still waiting to hear from Mother about my entrance.  With joyful anxiety, I check the mail every day and eagerly answer my phone hoping to hear news from her.

As I reflect on the season of Advent, I think of the joy that is to come as we await the arrival of our Lord.  I am reminded every day of the need to be patient.  As I grow in my faith, I focus on growing in the virtues; especially the virtues of temperance and patience.  We all need to grow in the virtues; however I am sure in doing a deep self-examen we will find that there are particular virtues that we are most in need of.

Awaiting an official answer from mother is a gentle and sometimes painful reminder of the need for patience.  It all boils to trusting in the Lord which has been the theme for my discernment and my life.  The more I worry about where the Lord wants me to serve Him, the more I realize that I need to continue to trust in the plans that He has for me.

So as I pray and eagerly wait the arrival of our Lord, I also pray and await a response from the sisters and I look forward to the joys that I will experience when I learn where I am to live my yes.

Going Steady

Today I met with my Spiritual Director and we had a brief chat about how things are going with me.  I shared with him some of my recent doubts lately and the temptations that I have been fighting with (should I date, perhaps I should look into a different community)

These feelings are coming in while I have been waiting for a formal response from the community I have applied to and as I wait, I start to find myself falter in my trust in the Lord.  Though deep in my heart I know I want nothing more than to belong to Christ, I have been fighting these doubts that I know are nothing less than the evil one's attempts to thwart me.  I expressed to my SD that I don't want to love anyone like I love Christ and I want to fall in love with Him like I have never fallen in love with anyone before.  If only I could learn to trust in Him and in my relationship with Him.  I feel as though I am a young woman in a relationship where my lack of confidence in my boyfriend's feelings are leading me to question what I know deep within me is a good and solid relationship.

Father's response was ever so supporting and understanding and he said that like in a new relationship, there will be ups and downs; there will be arguments; good times and bad times.  But I must not turn back, I must continue to go forward and take that next step and that is to go steady.  Like one worried about limiting my opportunities I hesitate to go steady but yet I desire that more than anything; I want to know that I am exclusively His but I hesitate because of the fear that He may not want me exclusively to Himself.

Some time earlier in my discernment, I shared with a Vocation Directress how anxious I was to know that the Lord wanted me to be His and how my heart ached to know and to be His bride.  Her reply was to ask Him; I am now realizing that though I have asked the Lord to show me His will, I have not asked Him to call me to Himself.  I want very much to be called to Him but there is an underlying fear that holds me back.  Pray with me dear readers that I may surrender to Him and trust in His love for me.

In His Love,
Hopeful

Waiting... and Trusting

About a month ago I submitted my paperwork requesting entrance to the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Church.  I have been working very hard at not paying attention to the time and trusting that the Lord will do it all in His time.  However, this task has proven to be just very difficult; I am trying quite hard to fight the urge to call and to inquire about the receipt of my documents and when I can expect a response.  Obedience is something I am learning to practice more and more daily.  As the prophet Samuel said to Saul "To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed better than the fat of rams" 1 Samuel 15:22. 

I have also applied for the MEFV and currently working with the Labouré Society for assistance in eliminating my student debt; I find that I'm overcome by a fear so great that it is sometimes painful to think of the future.  I fear that I may not be able to give my life to the Lord due to my financial obstacles.  I know these fears are due to a lack of utter trust in the Lord.  However, try as I might I cannot totally trust the Lord to take care of these obstacles.  This doubt in the Lord pains me even more so than my fear of not being able to truly be His and give my life for Him. 

When I started my discernment process, it seemed that I had all of the trust and none of the patience.  I remember begging the Lord to show me to tell me ASAP whether or not He was calling me and to show me in lightening speed what it is that He had planned for me.  What never worried me was my student debt; I always felt and trusted that if the Lord was calling me to Him my financial obstacles meant nothing.

Daily I find myself asking the Lord to take away my doubt and to help me to remain faithful to Him and to continue to trust.  I pray the Blessed Mother along with St. Michael can help me fight the devil's attempts to divert me from the Lord.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I strive each day to be Obedient to the Lord's timing and to trust in Him more and more.

Marriage

On Saturday September 18th, I went home for a visit (well a celebration really)  My uncle was getting married.  He and his wife have been married civilly but decided to have their union blessed (Praise God)  During the Homily, I was soooo moved. the priest talked about the dedication and commitment it takes to make a marriage work and most importantly how it needs to be God-centered.  Somehow, I felt as if he were talking about me and my desired groom, Christ.  I felt a longing then that I had never felt and it was then that I truly realized that being a bride of Christ is real.


My sister always jokes with me in the worst Spanish accent ever that "you will never be a bride" and of course I reply yes I will, God willing and I will have the privilege of always wearing my bridal gown.  More and more I am realizing my heart wants nothing more than to belong to Christ, body mind and spirit.  I used to worry about the differences between a physical marriage and a spiritual marriage, between the physical motherhood and the spiritual one and I found myself asking "can I really do this?" I realize something, I can't, at least not by my own volition.  I do know though that with Him who strengthens me I can and if this is indeed the life that he is calling me to, I can do it.  I only pray that He continues to call me to Himself because the more I discover about the beauty of marriage, the more I want that marriage to be between myself and Christ.


Pax

My relationship status

So this past weekend, I had the privilege of serving as a chaperone for some of the youth in my parish who went to Rock the Universe.  I must say that the experience was just awesome (I will have to give it its on entry)  However, what struck me is the fact that I was asked if I was dating someone and the way I reacted to it took me by surprise.  I of course said yes because the way I see my relationship with Christ is just that, a dating relationship where I am getting to truly know Him and I am opening my heart to Him.  I want to one day be His spouse and I want to belong to Him - Mind, body and spirit.

What I felt when the question was asked of me was a bit of a hesitation, there was a reluctance on my part to admit that I was dating because then I would truly be committed.  I then realized that there was a tiny part of me that wanted to be available - for what though, I didn't know.  I felt like one of those girls who was ashamed of someone she was dating because of uncertainty or even possible reactions.  And then it dawned on me that I was not willing to commit to Him like I desired to be.  Here I am yearning everyday for the day I get that letter that puts me one step closer to being His, yet on the other hand I want to keep the fact that I yearn to be His bride a secret.  I also realized something at that point, we had a secret relationship (at least on my part) and the fact that this relationship was secret meant that I could not always be faithful to Him (something I desperately want to be) For that reason, I decided that I needed to recommit myself to Him, spending time with Him, following His life and leaning on Him more and more.

In any relationship, it can be hard to remain faithful and to give all of yourself to your another, that task is made even harder when one party will not fully admit to the relationship let along commit to it.  I had deluded myself into thinking that this relationship would not require much work on my part or not need much commitment from me.  However, I am seeing what can happen when I don't commit to Him fully and I do not want a secret relationship.  Instead, I want a relationship that announces itself so that everyone knows that yes I am dating and yes I am taken.  My heart belongs to Jesus Christ who loves me more than even I could begin to put into words and while I can't love Him a fraction of the way He loves me, I can try with all my heart.  I want to belong to Him and only Him for the rest of my life. 

Please pray for me as I fight to remain faithful to Him in my day to day living.