No more, no more. My plate is full

I have wanted to do the 54-day Rosary Novena for about forever and a day now and I just realized that I was supposed to start it yesterday to have it end on a Marian Feast day.  Well Phooey!  I now have to wait to do it so that the Novena ends on the feast of the Annunciation.  Sigh, I guess I will just have to wait until the right time. 


I think this is a sign that I am way too busy and I have too many emails to check.  I chickened out and did not get to tell the DRE that I will not be able to teach for the fall.  I mean what was I supposed to say when she brought this adorable little boy to me so he could "meet his teacher"?  A part of me just feels like this was totally planned on her part to make sure I don't drop out, lol.  I must say that I am looking forward to teaching again this coming year because every year the kids are different and it is just wonderful to see them grow in just an academic year.


So it looks like it is not part of God's will for me to scale back from teaching this year.  Man sometimes I wish I could just stop being so involved with parish ministries but I can't seem to help myself.  Well scratch that, my friend and I were going to join this group and today we both decided that we didn't need to get any more involved than we are right now so it would appear that I am learning to say no and am becoming more aware of my limits.


I am working on finishing my course (Introduction to Scripture I) before the fall term begins because I will be teaching a course at the college where I work and will be enrolled in a philosophy course; this is all on top of being involved with Youth group and Religious Education.  Please keep me in your prayers that I may survive it all without falling down from exhaustion.


p.s.  Please Keep my friends J and L in your prayers.  They are expecting (J lost her first baby about 3 years ago when the baby stopped growing after the first trimester) L was severely sick the 6th week due to very bad food poisoning.


Pax,
Hopeful

The benefits of waiting

In just four months, my nephew will be three years old.  This had me thinking about my journey a bit and the time I have spent trying to discern the Lord's will; it has been 40 months since I started my discernment, 32 months since I started looking at communities, 25 months since I found out about the SMMCs, 17 months since I first visited them, 14 months since I started the application process and 6 months since I received my letter of acceptance from Mother.  I guess you want to know the point of all of this rambling about how long I have been discerning.

I am sure you guys have read about my struggles and doubts when it comes to trusting God and letting him take control of my vocation.  It comes from nothing but frustration and unfortunately this frustration has led me to be careless and not care to guard my heart or my vocation.  Lately I have been putting my prayers on the back burner not because of lack of time but because of a lack of motivation.  

Today's gospel reading about the canaanite woman and the subsequent Homily by Father moved me to tears as I was reminded that I am not willing to wait, I'm not willing to persevere for my vocation.  Here is this woman who clearly was ignored after her first request and yet she persisted! She trusted in the Lord.  Even when the Apostles wanted her gone, she kept her gaze on one thing....Christ.  And she trusted that he would answer.  The ironic thing is that I've asked and begged to suffer with my Lord because I wanted to feel as close to what he felt as I could.  Now however, I can't seem to do it; I've read stories of saints who were tested by Novice Mistresses, superiors and even Spiritual Directors to help "weed out" the weak so to speak.  I always thought that I would happily bear these things because I am grateful the Lord has called me.  Unfortunately I am letting my frustration about having to wait affect my relationship with the Lord.

The truth is there are plenty of benefits to waiting and I know darn well that there are.  First - a selfish and very silly benefit (I get to see my little sister graduate from Dental Hygiene school) second - I might get to see my brother get married (let us hope) third - I get to grow closer to Lord, to the Blessed Mother and I get to mature emotionally and spiritually fourth - I get to truly live out my yes and get to see constant reminders that the Lord sought out my heart and my yes.  He pursued me and he courted me I mean what more could a girl want?  I mean the list goes on and on and on; I could list a lot of things that I find to be benefits of waiting.  However, the sad fact is... as someone who has bought into the "I want it now" way of things and want to live out my yes today.  It could also be that August 22nd is fast approaching and that was to be my entrance date.

As much as I have "suffered" through having to wait yet another year before I could begin formation, I must say that I am truly growing to appreciate the fact that I am called more and more.  I cannot wait until the day I can enter and know that I am living all of my days with complete abandon.  However, I must be honest and admit that I do find it hard to read news of young postulants becoming novices and novices taking first vows without felling a twinge of despair.  

I went to confession today because of these very issues and all of a sudden the light bulb came on.  I realized that I've been acting like a frustrated girlfriend.  I have been mad at having to wait and have tried to take things into my own hands.  This has resulted in me doing nothing but hurting myself, using others and in turn hurting them in order to deal with my frustrations.  I know there are even more great things to come from waiting, from this time of preparation but yet I am unwilling to wait, to trust and to love.  Mind you this unwillingness does not come from the fact that I not want things to happen in God's time but it is because I am scared, scared that this life that the Lord is calling me to right now might not be the life he is calling me to for the rest of my life.

Just as a bride must wait for her bridegroom so I must
 wait for the time I am to be received by my bridegroom and I must trust in his love for me, in his ability to provide for me and most of all in his commitment to me.  At times I feel like a young woman who accepted a proposal of marriage in a moment of bliss, of pure love; only to be faced with the reality of what it takes to make a relationship, a marriage work.  At that hint of reality, I find that I am questioning the one person whom I trusted above all things, the one person that I promised myself to - My intended.  I pray that I go to that moment of bliss, that moment when I screamed yes with all of my heart every day, so that I may remember that this relationship, despite my uncertainty, my fears and my frustration is built to last.

Prayers please for myself and for all of discerning young women who might find themselves having similar feelings.

In Christ our love,

Hopeful

Coolest Blog post Eva!!!

OK so one of my friend has a blog that he sometimes use to display his artistic genius (he designed the banner for my website)  Anyways, I saw this post on his page a few days ago and made a comment that he needed to do other stuff, specifically a mini SMMC.  Below is what he came up with and I just think it is the coolest stuff Eva!!!!!

Max my friend, I give you the win (just for today - and I'll take it back in a heartbeat if you try to use this to misquote me)

Happy Monday everyone and may you be Christ to another today,
Hopeful