A couple of weekends ago, I found myself questioning my desire and my love for the Lord, let me preclude by saying that I have been trying to finish this entry for some time now (since August 30th) and I find it hard to even articulate the detail my struggle - hard because there is so much that I would like to explain and also because I feel that admitting my struggles will somehow make it harder to deal with them. It seems that on the one hand I desire nothing but to be totally and completely belonging to Jesus. On the other hand, I am somewhat curious about the possibility of married life. Although I must admit, the curiosity is not necessarily because I truly want to consider that vocation but primarily because I am being tempted in the worst possible way. I am still questioning my vocation, not because I don't believe God is calling me but because I fear that I will forget to lean on him and will most surely fail in my journey.
I strongly believe that what I have been experiencing is nothing short of the evil one trying to lure me away, what scares me is that I am in danger of falling in his trap. I pray to God to have the strength and the widsdom to call on him in my moments of weakness, I know what I must do yet lately I have felt powerless to do it. I pray that I can remain rooted in prayer so that I may remain always and forever Christ's.
Please keep me in your prayers as I struggle during this time of Spiritual Warfare.
Saint Michael - Protect me!
Mary, Mother of the Church - Pray for me
Praying!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the prayers.
ReplyDeleteIt is okay to be curious. It is quite natural because we were created to love and be loved, by God and one another, to pro-create and join in marriage and marriage is a holy vocation as well-in giving it up for the sake of the kingdom of Heaven is a holy and blessed act of love and faith in God.
ReplyDeleteI have also been told by several priests and religious who interview/discern with candidates their vocation to the priesthood and religious life as seeing as a red flag any one who would say they never thought of marriage or would never want to marry.
When I experienced this battle and learned what I have mentioned the battle was no longer difficult-it was actually no longer a battle, but a well-informed decision I needed to make. I saw it as just reviewing all vocations as they are and nothing else. And I thought I should have no fear because I am thinking and learning about the various vocations God has given us and it will not separate me from Him whom I love. It only brought me closer to my very own vocation as a religious and now look forward in entering and I have come to appreciate the vocation of marriage and the beauty of this vocation and its goodness knowing that even within these marriages are holy saints in the making.
I am praying for you and thank you for your continued prayers. PAX!