My relationship status

So this past weekend, I had the privilege of serving as a chaperone for some of the youth in my parish who went to Rock the Universe.  I must say that the experience was just awesome (I will have to give it its on entry)  However, what struck me is the fact that I was asked if I was dating someone and the way I reacted to it took me by surprise.  I of course said yes because the way I see my relationship with Christ is just that, a dating relationship where I am getting to truly know Him and I am opening my heart to Him.  I want to one day be His spouse and I want to belong to Him - Mind, body and spirit.

What I felt when the question was asked of me was a bit of a hesitation, there was a reluctance on my part to admit that I was dating because then I would truly be committed.  I then realized that there was a tiny part of me that wanted to be available - for what though, I didn't know.  I felt like one of those girls who was ashamed of someone she was dating because of uncertainty or even possible reactions.  And then it dawned on me that I was not willing to commit to Him like I desired to be.  Here I am yearning everyday for the day I get that letter that puts me one step closer to being His, yet on the other hand I want to keep the fact that I yearn to be His bride a secret.  I also realized something at that point, we had a secret relationship (at least on my part) and the fact that this relationship was secret meant that I could not always be faithful to Him (something I desperately want to be) For that reason, I decided that I needed to recommit myself to Him, spending time with Him, following His life and leaning on Him more and more.

In any relationship, it can be hard to remain faithful and to give all of yourself to your another, that task is made even harder when one party will not fully admit to the relationship let along commit to it.  I had deluded myself into thinking that this relationship would not require much work on my part or not need much commitment from me.  However, I am seeing what can happen when I don't commit to Him fully and I do not want a secret relationship.  Instead, I want a relationship that announces itself so that everyone knows that yes I am dating and yes I am taken.  My heart belongs to Jesus Christ who loves me more than even I could begin to put into words and while I can't love Him a fraction of the way He loves me, I can try with all my heart.  I want to belong to Him and only Him for the rest of my life. 

Please pray for me as I fight to remain faithful to Him in my day to day living.