Today I met with my Spiritual Director and we had a brief chat about how things are going with me. I shared with him some of my recent doubts lately and the temptations that I have been fighting with (should I date, perhaps I should look into a different community)
These feelings are coming in while I have been waiting for a formal response from the community I have applied to and as I wait, I start to find myself falter in my trust in the Lord. Though deep in my heart I know I want nothing more than to belong to Christ, I have been fighting these doubts that I know are nothing less than the evil one's attempts to thwart me. I expressed to my SD that I don't want to love anyone like I love Christ and I want to fall in love with Him like I have never fallen in love with anyone before. If only I could learn to trust in Him and in my relationship with Him. I feel as though I am a young woman in a relationship where my lack of confidence in my boyfriend's feelings are leading me to question what I know deep within me is a good and solid relationship.
Father's response was ever so supporting and understanding and he said that like in a new relationship, there will be ups and downs; there will be arguments; good times and bad times. But I must not turn back, I must continue to go forward and take that next step and that is to go steady. Like one worried about limiting my opportunities I hesitate to go steady but yet I desire that more than anything; I want to know that I am exclusively His but I hesitate because of the fear that He may not want me exclusively to Himself.
Some time earlier in my discernment, I shared with a Vocation Directress how anxious I was to know that the Lord wanted me to be His and how my heart ached to know and to be His bride. Her reply was to ask Him; I am now realizing that though I have asked the Lord to show me His will, I have not asked Him to call me to Himself. I want very much to be called to Him but there is an underlying fear that holds me back. Pray with me dear readers that I may surrender to Him and trust in His love for me.
In His Love,
- Florida, United States
- I am a Hopeful Bride of Christ and I long for the day I can dedicate all of my life to Him. I have been actively discerning religious life for about 4 years now and I have been accepted to enter the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Church. I hope to begin formation soon and beg your prayers that my student loans do not keep me from entering. With your help and prayers I hope that my entrance to the SMMC will soon be reality. Rest assured that you are all in my thoughts and prayers - most especially those young men and women discerning their vocations, whether to the religious life, priesthood or married life. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue this journey toward Him.