Today I met with my Spiritual Director and we had a brief chat about how things are going with me. I shared with him some of my recent doubts lately and the temptations that I have been fighting with (should I date, perhaps I should look into a different community)
These feelings are coming in while I have been waiting for a formal response from the community I have applied to and as I wait, I start to find myself falter in my trust in the Lord. Though deep in my heart I know I want nothing more than to belong to Christ, I have been fighting these doubts that I know are nothing less than the evil one's attempts to thwart me. I expressed to my SD that I don't want to love anyone like I love Christ and I want to fall in love with Him like I have never fallen in love with anyone before. If only I could learn to trust in Him and in my relationship with Him. I feel as though I am a young woman in a relationship where my lack of confidence in my boyfriend's feelings are leading me to question what I know deep within me is a good and solid relationship.
Father's response was ever so supporting and understanding and he said that like in a new relationship, there will be ups and downs; there will be arguments; good times and bad times. But I must not turn back, I must continue to go forward and take that next step and that is to go steady. Like one worried about limiting my opportunities I hesitate to go steady but yet I desire that more than anything; I want to know that I am exclusively His but I hesitate because of the fear that He may not want me exclusively to Himself.
Some time earlier in my discernment, I shared with a Vocation Directress how anxious I was to know that the Lord wanted me to be His and how my heart ached to know and to be His bride. Her reply was to ask Him; I am now realizing that though I have asked the Lord to show me His will, I have not asked Him to call me to Himself. I want very much to be called to Him but there is an underlying fear that holds me back. Pray with me dear readers that I may surrender to Him and trust in His love for me.
In His Love,
Hopeful
About Me
- HopefulBride
- Florida, United States
- I am a Hopeful Bride of Christ and I long for the day I can dedicate all of my life to Him. I have been actively discerning religious life for about 4 years now and I have been accepted to enter the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Church. I hope to begin formation soon and beg your prayers that my student loans do not keep me from entering. With your help and prayers I hope that my entrance to the SMMC will soon be reality. Rest assured that you are all in my thoughts and prayers - most especially those young men and women discerning their vocations, whether to the religious life, priesthood or married life. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue this journey toward Him.
Good blog! You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the prayers :)
ReplyDeleteYou will be in mine as well, my dear. After years and years of knowing I belong only to the Lord, I still feel that way sometimes. It's the sin of our first parents - to mistrust God, to think He's somehow holding out on us... when really, He's showering us with love and mercy and just waiting for us to put our hand into His.
ReplyDelete