On Trusting the Lord

We are called to give of ourselves in order to receive, to empty ourselves in order to be filled.  How then do I come to know that I am doing so?  The call to religious life is about sacrifice for the love of Christ.  I must learn to trust in the Lord's guidance and Providence so that I may let go.

I find that it is a lack of trust which leads me to have reluctance and anxiety about taking action.  Help me Holy Spirit to get the strength/trust to act.  Amen

On being bought back by Christ

Christ has called me to Him despite the fact that I could never in a million years be worthy of that call.  This is again confirmation the the call to religious life is not at all about me (a sinner) but rather about Him.  It He who drives me to seek.  It is He whom I aim to be for others, who I want to encounter in others.  Holy Spirit, grant me the grace to never forget that the call and the life is about Christ. Amen

The power of Novenas

I probably should have two separate posts (one for the MEFV) and another for the Novenas but I am being lazy. So the application to the MEFV Grant was due yesterday (had to be postmarked by then) and though I had intended to do my hours novena to the infant of Prague in front of the Blessed Sacrament, I ended up doing half of it at work and the other half in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

For those of you who may not know, the infant of Prague was perfect for this situation (patron of vocations, finances, students among others) I think I may want to do a days novena in another few weeks. The thing is, this was my first time saying a full novena. I have always ended up missing a day or something would deter me from completing a novena. For a reason that I cannot explain, I felt such a peace and confidence as I started to near the end of my novena. I must confess that when it came to novenas although I would join with others in saying them, I never fully trusted (might be because I never had the chance to complete one) or it could be because I was never inspired by the Holy Spirit to do one.

I have been feeling this urging to do a 54-day Rosary novena (the rosary is very dear to my heart) and I started it yesterday with the goal of finishing on the day of my Consecration to the Blessed Mother. Back to the point here, what I mean by pointing out the power of novenas is that it reinforces our Trust in the Lord and our confidence in Him to provide for us, whether the Lord provides on our time or not. In my case for example, I was very anxious about the MEFV application and almost didn't turn it in. However, I decided that I would turn it in as well as say a novena that would end on the due date. After completing the 7th hour I knew and trusted that the Lord will provide and if it is His design for me to enter next year, He will remove any obstacle. However, if His will is for me to wait I must trust in that and I do, (this was the source of my anxiety before)

I have learned that Novenas are not for everyone and we must trust the Holy Spirit's guidance when it comes to saying a novena. However, if you allow yourself to be guided in carefully choosing a novena, the fruits can be astounding. Perhaps something is weighing down your spirit and you feel that you need help, I invite you to bring your troubles to Him through the intercession of one or a couple of your favorite saints.

Pax

On being vulnerable to Christ

I realize Lord that in times of weakness, I shy away from you; waiting for the moment when I "look" better and "do" better. In your moment of vulnerability you invited me in. Help me dear Jesus to be more open with you. Rid me of my pride so that I share with you not just my sufferings and joys but also and most importantly my falls.

Jesus, Come into my heart.

I had an Epiphany

Yesterday during a short visit to the Blessed Sacrament, I started going through my notebook and realized how close I am to experiencing my own "dark night" Of course I know the reason for this, I am not rooted enough in prayer. A few months ago, I was finding myself in the adoration chapel about two times a day and was saying about 4 of the 7 offices. Now, I have found that I am flooded with projects and a never-ending to do list that I have allowed to slowly take priority over my relationship with my intended. This of course, is my own doing; I need to learn to put the following letters together N-O. Until I do that, I must suffer the consequences (being distant from my love)

I didn't mean for it to happen but somehow, I found myself barely saying morning and evening prayer and fighting to say the rosary daily. I know I can't possibly live like a religious while I am out in the world. However, I am determined to do as much as possible to prepare and condition myself for life as a religious. Not so much so that I can get used to "life on the inside" but rather so that I never lose sight of my love. I know one thing for sure, I love Christ dearly and want to continue loving Him, the only change I would like is to see that love continue to grow. I know the one way to make sure that happens is to continue to keep in contact with Him. I am not satisfied with just going to daily mass, I want to do more to nurture my spiritual life and to strengthen our relationship.

The point of this post, is to say this; the notes that I re-read yesterday reminded me of where my focus should be and what my goal is - to be one with Him - In an effort to keep myself rooted and focused on Him, I will try to post some of these past reflections on a daily basis. Some of them are quite short while others are rather long and have no aim (at least that is what I think of them) some are short personal prayers while others are some questions that have come up during my spiritual readings.

As you read them, give me some feedback and let me know if I you would like to see more of them.

In Christ my Love
HB

On remaining close to the Lord

In the past couple of months, I have found that the "fire" that burned deep inside of me for Christ has dimmed.  This brings me great sadness as I want nothing more than to feel His constant presence.  I do know however that much of this is due to the fact that I have not been keeping close to Him.  I didn't realize until now how much of a presence He was in my life.  However, due to my stumbles I have allowed myself to get further away from Him.  This is nothing but the sinfulness of pride getting in the way.  

In my moments of weakness, I should run to you Lord rather than turn away.  Lord, be with me in my times of failure.  I pray that I continue to focus on you rather than my falls.  I know Lord that what leads me to this spiritual desert is my continued distancing from you.  Please Lord keep me close to you; in all that I do, please help me to remain forever faithful to you and forever yours.  Amen

Marriage

On Saturday September 18th, I went home for a visit (well a celebration really)  My uncle was getting married.  He and his wife have been married civilly but decided to have their union blessed (Praise God)  During the Homily, I was soooo moved. the priest talked about the dedication and commitment it takes to make a marriage work and most importantly how it needs to be God-centered.  Somehow, I felt as if he were talking about me and my desired groom, Christ.  I felt a longing then that I had never felt and it was then that I truly realized that being a bride of Christ is real.


My sister always jokes with me in the worst Spanish accent ever that "you will never be a bride" and of course I reply yes I will, God willing and I will have the privilege of always wearing my bridal gown.  More and more I am realizing my heart wants nothing more than to belong to Christ, body mind and spirit.  I used to worry about the differences between a physical marriage and a spiritual marriage, between the physical motherhood and the spiritual one and I found myself asking "can I really do this?" I realize something, I can't, at least not by my own volition.  I do know though that with Him who strengthens me I can and if this is indeed the life that he is calling me to, I can do it.  I only pray that He continues to call me to Himself because the more I discover about the beauty of marriage, the more I want that marriage to be between myself and Christ.


Pax

Application Status

Ok so I just went in for the follow up to my Psychological Evaluation and the report that I expected to be completed next week was actually typed up and is faxed, Praise God!  So now, I just need to wait until mother reviews my application.  I am so thankful to all of you who have kept me in your prayers.  Know that you too shall continue to be in mine.

I am now preparing to complete the application for the Mater Ecclesiae fund for vocations, I am trying to trust in the Lord's providence.  I know His timing may not necessarily be the same as mine, I just hope I can accept it.

Pax,
HB